storms

 

Doer of good

Dear Friend (you know who you are!), 

Doer of good remorselessly. 

Placing wreaths on old graves. 

Remembering lost ones over decades. 

Tidying and cleaning their resting places in honour of the love that lives still. 

Visiting lonely living elderly relatives and nurturing them with that life-affirming connection. 

I care, you matter, these regular long trips, crisscrossing the country affirm. 

Keeping friends, tight, through stress, divorce, separation, and loss of loved ones. 

Making sure the safety net of your love and concern is strengthened with additional knots of love. 

Never failing in loyalty, even when brought to the knees by the suicide of dear ones. 

The devastation of losing dear ones by their own hand strikes that huge heart to its core. 

But keeping that love alive despite the loss, the pain and absence.  

Remembering and holding their spirit in gentle arms of understanding and compassion.  

Dropping everything and giving anything to help a friend in real need. 

Providing constant help of finance, time, and love. 

Not buckling in the face of death but tightening the armour of love and heading anywhere for those you hold dear. 

"The betterment of the world can be accomplished through pure and goodly deeds and through commendable and seemly conduct. "

Baha'i Writings

Life of the spirit and the art of carpet cleaning

I contemplate my life, my purpose.

The floor is covered in pieces of dirt. 

Life sneaks through our fingers and drops its debris everywhere.

This carpet will need a good hoover today. 

At times, I feel a bit adrift and rudderless. 

Some of those spots on the carpet will need to be scrubbed after hoovering. 

Finding direction is hard when stationary in the water. 

It’s only when I start to make progress on the carpet. I will suddenly see how filthy the settee has become. 

Momentum is needed to achieve anything of worth in life. 

Perhaps I should make a list, to-do list 

1. hoover carpet 

2. clean spots on the carpet 

3. wipe down the settee

When I get started, I can make some adjustments in life as I go, these first steps are just the beginning!

1. Forgive everyone

2. Work on my own defects

3. Clean the rust from off my soul

Maurice vomits every morning just slowly until night prevails

Artist's impression of Pluto showing one of its large moons that never sets

In our family, this mnemonic was how we remembered the planets and their order in terms of distance from the sun.  Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto.  My eldest brother Maurice has a sensitive stomach so this saying was close enough to the truth to make it easier to remember.  

Imagine my upset when in 2002 new data processing technologies discovered a series of planet-like objects orbiting the sun close to the orbit of Pluto.  This included Eris, Haumea, Makemake, Gonggong, Quaoar, Sedna and Orcus.  Indeed, one of them Eris is about the same size as Pluto.  However, Pluto is only 1/400th the size of Earth and is even smaller than our moon.  This bunch of objects along with Pluto were renamed dwarf planets instead of planets.  Planets were redefined as objects that met three critical requirements

(a) is in orbit around the Sun

(b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape

(c) has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.

It is the last of these requirements clearing the space around it that these dwarf planets fail to do.  One look at the Kuiper Belt indicates a failure of good housekeeping, it is far too messy. The strong gravitational field around a real planet serves to either capture, attract or perturb smaller objects around it. Those objects that pass the first two criteria but fail the third were renamed dwarf planets. 

No one really cared about these newcomers being downgraded to dwarf status but for some reason, a lot of people got really upset about Pluto no longer being a proper planet.  Pluto was found to have five moons of its own but did have an unusual orbit. All the other planets have orbits that lie as if on the surface of a plate extending out around the sun but Pluto has this weird tilted orbit going on.  

The Kuiper Belt where Pluto resides is one of the largest structures in our solar system.  It is like a huge donut, vast, mysterious and cold and dark.  Much, much further out there is another structure called the Oort Cloud, a spherical region of icy comet-like bodies and both the Kuiper Belt and the Oort cloud are sources of comets.  

Obviously, Pluto this black sheep of the family, was not only devoid of good housekeeping but deliberately ignoring the basic rules of the solar system.  

All those years ago I resented that my family mnemonic had been messed about by forces beyond our control.  But actually, comets have been having an incredible impact on our solar system over history. Take for example the Chicxulub comet which impacted 66 million years ago in Mexico. It created a crater 93 miles across and 12 miles deep.  It caused the Cretaceous-Paleogene mass extinction of three-quarters of the plant and animal species on Earth.  A recently published scientific paper has managed to connect 5 out of 6 mass extinctions of life with times of enhanced impact cratering on Earth.  The author concluded with the frank but frightening statement, “This cosmic cycle of death and destruction has without doubt affected the history of life on our planet.”

Worryingly Jupiter, which is 300 times the size of the Earth, has been found to act a bit like a huge pinball machine in defecting incoming long-period comets into orbits close to the sun and our vicinity.  Halley’s comet, which comes from the Oort Cloud revisits every 75/76 years and was first recorded in 240 BC and has been recorded since on innumerable other occasions like 1066 on the Bayeux tapestry. Mark Twain famously said he came into the world with the arrival of Halley’s Comet and would go out with the next. In his autobiography, published in 1909, he said,

“I came in with Halley's comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.” 

Twain died on 21 April 1910, the day following the comet's subsequent perihelion.

There are also many other striking features of comets that should be recorded.

The Hale Bopp Comet is large at 35 km in diameter and has a really long orbit.  It passed Earth in 2215 BC and didn't return until 1997.  The next time it comes our way will be 4385, so a long wait.  In the 6th dynasty reign of the Pharaoh Pepi II which coincided with the 2215BC comet appearance, his pyramid has text mentioning a star appearing.  This star is particularly noticeable, after all, it is 6 times the size of Halley's Comet and in its 1997 flyby, it became the brightest comet for decades and was visible for twice as long (18.5 months) as the Great Comet of 1811.  Sadly such evident celestial signs in the sky are often misinterpreted here on Earth.  In the case of the Hale Bopp Comet, 39 members of the Heaven's Gate Movement in the US committed mass suicide in March 1997 with the goal of teleporting to a spaceship they believed to be behind the comet.

In Jan 2004 NASA’s Stardust probe flew within 236km of comet Wild2, which is 5km in diameter, and managed to capture samples from its trail.  These were returned to earth and found to contain glycine a fundamental building block of life. Perhaps comets as well as taking life have also contributed life to planets? 

On 4th July 2005, NASA’s Deep Impact probe fired a washing machine-sized object into the path of the comet Tempel 1.  It created a hole in the comet the size of a football stadium.  This comet is 6km in size and orbits every 5/6 years.

The European Space Probe in 2014 managed to put a lander on the comet Churyumov-Gerasimenko and there is actually a video of what it captured on the surface of this comet!  It blew my mind to see this clip. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/67P/Churyumov%E2%80%93Gerasimenko#/media/File:67P_Churyumov-Gerasimenko_surface.gif

Given that comets and asteroids are prone to come flying Earth’s way with depressing regularity it is heartening to see someone practicing what to do if we manage to spot one on a collision course towards us in time. Just last year in 2022, after 10 months of flying in space, NASA’s Double Asteroid Redirection Test (DART) successfully impacted the asteroid Dimorphos. This asteroid was no danger to us but it proved that it was possible to move an asteroid in space and it succeeded in deflecting its course. You can watch a video of this collision here https://www.nasa.gov/press-release/nasa-s-dart-mission-hits-asteroid-in-first-ever-planetary-defense-test. Perhaps there is a part of you, like me, hoping they don’t nudge one into a collision course with earth while practicing!

Mind you we shouldn’t resent these impacts as there is evidence that a powerful impact on Earth probably created the moon around 4.1-3.8 billion years ago.  Without the moon’s tidal impacts on our sea, life as we know it may not have even begun. As a recent Scientific American article put it, “…the lineages that ultimately gave rise to humans were at first intertidal.”  Without those specific regions of the seashore, that are covered at high tide and uncovered at low tide, the viable condition for life may not have occurred.  Even more compelling is current scientific theories suggesting that all the water on Earth was acquired from water-rich comets or asteroids hurled here by the influence of Jupiter. When we talk of the ‘water of life’ perhaps we need to be grateful for Jupiter’s pinball nature.  Jupiter’s huge gravitational field in some ways also protects Earth as it also acts as the vacuum cleaner of the solar system sucking in some asteroids and comets.  One confirmation of this is the fate of the comet Shoemaker Levy-9 which hit the giant planet Jupiter in 1994.  This struck with the force of 300 million atomic bombs and left traces of water in Jupiter’s atmosphere reinforcing both Jupiter’s protection role but also proving the ability of comets to donate water to planets. 

Possibly, amidst all the chaos of flying objects and collisions, both destructive and constructive, life finds a way.  Perhaps, like in the rest of the Cosmos, things can arrive in our own lives unexpectedly and devastate what we hold dear.  We just have to hope that something in that pain and chaos may contribute to our future growth and development.

“… this endless universe is like the human body, and … all its parts are connected one with another and are linked together in the utmost perfection.”

‘Abdu’l Bahá

Reflections on Character fuelled by my P3 art piece

 My Mum is a custodian of epic proportions.  Things from decades even 50 years ago, of worth, are carefully stored.  In her garage, there are even the school exercise books of my children with their early writing, poetry and stories.  My grandfather’s old medals, certificates, and awards for shooting etc are all on shelves safe and sound.  My father’s letters of reference as a young teacher, his qualifications and his many letters are wrapped up with care.   The very first letter he sent to my mum over 70 years ago can still be retrieved and read.  The pages worn thin, with lines from folding and unfolding, show my father’s handwriting and thoughts.  On the wall opposite me is an oil painting by my grandmother which is around a hundred years old.  I’ve known this about my mum for years that she takes care of things and people with tenderness.   In her attic, above the garage, there is even a huge bag of my artwork from school.  It includes work from my primary school years P3 and P4.  Today, for the first time in almost 60 years I got a ladder and braved the spiders and their webs, to get the bag down.

As I took out one of my earliest pieces (see above) from P3 in primary school the art took me back.  Made of material stuck on a sort of canvas, I can actually remember making it.  It is indelibly branded in my memory. I did it in the room used for sewing and knitting.  That must sound odd to a modern audience but there was a time when very young primary students would spend hours mastering all kinds of stitches (both in sewing and knitting).  As our artwork required material we were making our creations in this room.  

The teacher was the wife of the headmaster a man who had suffered from polio as a child and limped badly.  His father had been a captain of a tea clipper (merchant sailing vessel of the 1860s) which shows how old I am! Anyway, Mrs Philips, his wife, mostly taught P1s those innocents to whom school must have seemed a bit of a shock.  In Northern Ireland you start school aged only 4 and if you happen to have a birthday in July you would be a 3-year-old who had just had turned 4 a matter of weeks previously. 

Mrs Philips was terrifying indeed.  She seemed permanently furious with all children.  I am not sure if she was born like that or had morphed into this type of enraged teacher with age but the end result was awful.  This particular picture, of mine I remember so well because while I made it one of her P1s was locked in the sewing box room adjacent to the class and roared and wept the entire period.  Someone whispered that he had wet himself with fear and as punishment had been locked in the storage cupboard.  The sound of his howls and his suffering was heart-breaking and being young myself the horror of it went deep.  Sometime during that endless class, I promised myself I would never become immune to the suffering of others.  As I stuck material with a shaking hand onto my board I pledged that if there was any other choice as an adult I would choose not to inflict pain such as this.  

In later years I could rationalize and tell myself that perhaps Mrs Philips had not always been like this.  Maybe, she had been a good mother and treated her own children well.  Indeed, it was possible she had taught primary school for years and did a tremendous job and this present version of herself was not characteristic of the real person she had been for most of her adult life.  I began to think of people like a graphic line with goodness on the y-axis and time on the x-axis, sometimes down and sometimes up.  Perhaps, Mrs Philips was in the abusive phase only at this point in her life?

Then, at university, I suddenly thought that a simple line is not adequate to reflect a person. Perhaps instead we should use an extra dimension, making an area.  What if a person’s character is proportional to the area under the line.  That would be much harder to determine but be more accurate because if you stayed loving for 40 of your 60 years then you would have a larger area under the curve.  It makes sense, doesn’t it?  If you had been a vicious person for 60 years you could end up with an area of roughly 120 but a loving person for that length of time would have a tremendous score of 600!  But, what if you are a hurtful teacher but a loving mother? 

Obviously, we need another dimension.  What if we added a three-dimensional approach to our diagram? This could represent all the other aspects of our lives, how we treat our parents, grandparents, neighbours, our dog etc.  Instead of an area, we would be looking at a volume where that line is rotated through 360 degrees in space. Here it is shown for a simple line rather than our jagged line but it gives the principle.  Our character is now represented not by a line or an area but by solid volume.

But though this might reflect much more about a person’s character it still fails to take into account all the interactions that happen to each of us as we pass through life.  You can meet an amazing person who inspires you to be better than you ever were before.  So perhaps 3-dimensional shapes that interact with others to substantially change would be closer to reality. Not a totally solid volume but a more malleable shape. 

Then, we have had occasions when religions have come along and changed not only individuals but whole civilizations.  It often seems that at the start of a religion dramatic positive changes happen to a whole populations' spirituality and then with time corruption can set in. Meaningless rituals and corrupt clergy can play too big a role.  Perhaps, then the character can be represented as malleable solids/volumes interacting with each other in a liquid (representing for example religion).  When religion is a dense, deep, inspirational contribution to life the molded volumes/solids all float higher on top.  When, religion becomes corrupt, materialistic, divisive, and fanatical the liquid becomes less dense and lighter without meaning or sense at which point the shapes sink into its depths far from the surface above.

Knowledge is praiseworthy when it is coupled with ethical conduct and virtuous character ...

Bahá'í writings

It only took two months to complete

I had left it undone for two months at least, which is obscene. I put the task off as it seemed non-critical in the face of larger global issues. In fact, I have long felt that tidying cupboards and drawers etc is best left to my close family members after my passing. I’m quite convinced that after writing that line there was a communal hiss of annoyance, “well count me out!” from my kith and kin around the world.

It’s not as if my belongings will attract rich pickings. In my case, anyone willing to tidy and address the chaos of my life will discover mostly loads of unused notebooks along with a hoarder’s collection of pens.  I will happily admit these two are my main weaknesses and despite already having a lifetime supply hidden away, the need for more ever beckons.  But back to my two-month lapse in tackling a much-needed task. I speak not about the drawers and cupboards but something much more personal, my handbag! Ever since I discovered the joy of a small backpack my handbag has literally become invisible. No more bags slipping down my shoulders or filling my hands. Now I experience the world free of this lifelong encumbrance. The blissful freedom is added to because the backpack also serves to straighten my posture. I’m not sure if I am developing a stoop or a dowager’s hump but either way the backpack makes it feel straighter. The only disadvantage is that out of sight is definitely out of mind. 

Today I tackled that forgotten task. I sorted out my bag.  I discovered boarding flight tickets and receipts galore. Official papers I thought I’d lost. An odd collection of passport photos. I think I’d become convinced that another set would produce a less horrendous result.  There were endless scraps of paper, chocolate wrappers, and handwritten notes to myself. I am a writer of to-do lists that are aspirational rather than achievable. For example, tidy my handbag had appeared on one list over four weeks ago. 

So why am I recommending it? Well, as a reflective tool the debris of your handbag exposes the personal state of your life. The chaos and confusion speaks volumes. Even one’s priorities in life become crystal clear. For example, I am obsessive about my phone and carry it everywhere. Not because others might phone me or I might need to phone others but because it records the number of steps I walk.  I now feel duty-bound to carry it with me at all times. Heaven forbid I do even five unrecorded steps! If I forget my phone I almost weep at the lost steps. Yes, you’re right - it is sad! I have even on occasion been caught by family members bounding from one foot to the other while watching TV and holding my phone, in a vain effort to boost my pathetic daily score. When I first downloaded the health tracking app it would send me little congratulatory texts. Like, 'well-done you’ve beaten your average daily step count'. Or tell me excitedly that I had walked the equivalent of London to Paris in the past week. Now, all that has stopped. The app is either sulking, disappointed, or knows me far too well to be willing to comment.

I carry some of my precious little notebooks in my handbag and at least half a dozen much-loved pens. Including one that will write on the moon. I kid you not. I have alcoholic wipes and a portable spray for these pandemic days as I am convinced that these hand dispensers in shopping centres are a source of contamination.  It is what everyone touches after all.  Masks are also a must. Who would’ve thought such things would be commonplace. This world is certainly unpredictable. Here I sit outside a café in Malta drinking coffee and remembering the last time I did this was December of last year. Spending all this time under lockdown really re-calibrated my personal habits. It feels really good to put pen to paper again. I have taken them from a very tidy handbag with a driving license, bus pass, personal cards, and currency all carefully sorted. I look around at others in the café wondering how tidy their bags might be with a righteous air.  I am then forced to admit that little amuses the idiot and what puerile things I pride myself on! 

But do tidy your bag. A dear cousin of mine had her house burgled and the police officer examined the atrocious mess of her bedroom and told her sympathetically,

“I’m so sorry that they have really trashed your place!”

 My cousin was thinking that it was actually tidier than normal, as the thieves had removed some of the contents. She didn’t say that of course! But it does suggest that at least with a tidy bag you can spot when something has gone missing and that is helpful right?  

There is also that peculiar feeling that when you tidy one thing, your bag, a drawer, a shelf that you have turned over a new leaf.   That having completed that one task everything else in your life becomes accessible and achievable in a strange way. As Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC) so eloquently pointed out, 

‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step’.

These difficult days will pass and all we will remember is how we responded to such tests

 Dear Son,

You asked me some questions last night that really made me think. I’m not sure of the answers but I wanted you to know what I think and why. Then, at least you can make your own decisions in the light of that. Please don’t see this as advice. I wouldn’t presume. But I do care too deeply for you not to respond when you ask.

People do take advantage of other's kindness. Sometimes through thoughtlessness, sometimes because of their own agenda and occasionally because they’re not used to it. Every time it hurts. Especially when you do something in a spirit of kindness and others respond with disdain or just more expectations. They can even respond with anger as if you offered them a smack instead of the hand of friendship. Life is too short to examine all these responses and to understand the why of it. Better by far to move on.

If you are pulling people out of a bad place keep going. Don’t stop to argue with someone who resents that you did them a good turn. Whether they feel small, embarrassed, self-preoccupied, angry or frustrated is neither here nor there. If you did good, it is because it is in you to do so. Don’t expect it in others. They may not have it in their own lives and so cannot give it to others.

Life passes so quickly and good nature can easily be broken on the backs of mean spirits. So, don’t linger. Don’t be taken advantage of, just move on. Everyone you meet will teach you something, if only not to past too near again!

Then there are the tyrants. Those twisted so much that your kindness is not just wasted on them it is bad for them. Kindness to such types empowers and enables them to do even more damage. We have a responsibility not to reward their acts of abuse because the next one they torment needs you to stand firm. You must have the courage, in such circumstances, to hold the line like the 300 Spartans of old. You do this not out of dislike of them but because you know that giving in to a tyrant will merely perpetuate the abuse. At such times I think of all the victims of abuse I have known. Do you remember young George flinching at our table from the sound of a banging van door? In the face of such abuse, I steel myself to screw up my courage within me. What can we do? We are nothing really but, whatever it is we are capable of being at that moment, we must strive to be that. Because on the backs of tiny pebbles the great sea waves crash! We are such pebbles and despite the power of the waves, we remain. Know that long after they have smashed and raged and broken we will remain. We were created to bear and endure. Let them do their worst because we need to focus on doing our very best.

Let’s not be distracted by their activities. We have deeds to do, mighty deeds. Time is short, too short. Life passes by so quickly and the only things we will remember are all those who we love or who loved us. Grab such souls to you. Remember their sweetness and steady your stance. The hordes are coming. Stand fast, dear heart. There is no one I’d rather have at my side in the face of injustice. You have a keen poet’s eye and see to the real heart of things. Trust in such vision, believe the courage that lies within and search for truth always.

These difficult days will pass and all we will remember is how we responded to such tests.  That will be either our lasting regret or our legacy.  Know the importance of such choices.

Thanks for asking, for talking and for being you.

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”

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Deeper than happiness, joy springs from mysterious sources. Not sudden rain bursts of glee. Nor mere gladness because of calm waters. It is fuelled instead from clean, deep unpolluted wells that are blemish-free. That run with cleansing channels to fertile lands. Growing deeds as crops. Its unseen abundance is fenced by detachment. Joy bubbles up despite hardship, often due to hard lessons learnt. The deeper the plough cuts the greater the harvest.

Seneca (4 BC-65 AD) the ancient stoic philosopher was sentenced to commit suicide by the emperor Caligula, who resented Seneca’s eloquence in the Senate. Seneca only survived because he was seriously ill and Caligula thought that he would soon die anyway.  The next emperor Claudius exiled Seneca for many years to the island of Corsica.  Nero, the subsequent emperor, was tutored in his childhood by Seneca but later turned on his old tutor and sentenced him to death.  Seneca had certainly experienced the hardships that tribulations bring.  He would have agreed with the words of Epictetus, a later stoic who urged vigilance in life by pointing out:

“It’s much easier for a mariner to wreck his ship than it is for him to keep it sailing safely; all he has to do is head a little more upwind and disaster is instantaneous. In fact, he does not have to do anything: A momentary loss of attention will produce the same result.”

Seneca, much earlier in his life, had already spoken to others on misfortune.  He had pointed out that one should not see apparent misfortunes as genuinely bad. He lectured that in some ways they should be welcomed as they can benefit us. He felt that a good person should treat all adversity as a training exercise.  In fact, he drew an analogy with a wrestler who only benefits from taking on tough opponents and who would gradually lose his skill if he only ever faced weaker challengers. Seneca felt that we only show our own skills when we face a real adversary.  Adversity, he felt, works in a similar way: it lets us display our virtues and it trains them so that we can improve. He suggested that adversity should be welcomed when it came. In a similar vein, he pointed out that a general will only send his best soldiers into the most difficult battles. He felt that God will send the toughest challenges only to the most worthy individuals. Experiencing adversity then is a mark of having a virtuous character. He asked the question that if we are never tested would we ever develop virtues of patience courage and resilience? Seneca pointed out that unlimited luxury and wealth would serve to make a person lazy, complacent, ungrateful and greedy for more.

After a lifetime of giving lectures on detachment he consoled his companions as his own painful death was endured. He reminded his listeners of Socrates’ (470 BC – 399 BC) approach to death. If life was so valuable, he pointed out, why would Socrates, the greatest philosopher, treat it with such dismissal. Socrates had been occupied with the search for moral virtues and was sentenced to death by drinking hemlock.  Socrates' fearless humour was demonstrated when during his trial he was asked what his punishment should be and responded that a wage from the government and free dinners for the rest of his life would suffice!

It’s not that life is unimportant but to live an uninvested life seems the worst torment. If unexpected death can be viewed as a kindly gardener moving a tender plant to a more fertile land then a waste of life can both be likened to a worthless weed. A weed that has grown out of sight of the gardener’s care, strangling younger seedlings and denying them light or substance. Such weeds will gain their recompense at the final harvest. But what gardener does not despair at their wanton destruction. The question then remains how do we flourish and progress fully in life?

Marcus Aurelius (121 – 180 AD), a stoic emperor wrote with insight;

“Make a habit of regularly observing the universal process of change; be insidious in your attention to it, and school yourself thoroughly in this branch of study; there is nothing more elevating to the mind. For when a man realizes that at any moment he may have to leave everything behind him and part from the company of his fellows, he casts off the body and thenceforward dedicates himself wholly to the service of justice in his personal actions and compliance with Nature in all else. No thought is wasted on what others may say or think of him or practise against him; two things alone suffice him, justice in his daily dealings and contentment with all fate’s apportionings.”

So sometimes when hardship or loss strikes, the lessons it brings can prune and strengthen growth.  But if we instead, flower with easy abundance, grow in wealth and glory while seeing others around us wither and suffer then, perhaps the Divine Gardener does not transplant with love but views us with startled disdain.

All that growth and show, just wasted space. If our good deeds here plant seeds in the next world, what scene of devastation awaits those who have abused and brought destruction to others. Better by far to face atonement here than face the divine Gardner with no penance paid, full of selfish satisfaction and a wasted, wasteful life to offer. While others roughly treated here may find more forgiving climes and receive tender divine care from the source of love.

Marcus Aurelius had clear opinions on what we should and should not fear in this life.  It is surprising but to the point.

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“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”