These difficult days will pass and all we will remember is how we responded to such tests

 Dear Son,

You asked me some questions last night that really made me think. I’m not sure of the answers but I wanted you to know what I think and why. Then, at least you can make your own decisions in the light of that. Please don’t see this as advice. I wouldn’t presume. But I do care too deeply for you not to respond when you ask.

People do take advantage of other's kindness. Sometimes through thoughtlessness, sometimes because of their own agenda and occasionally because they’re not used to it. Every time it hurts. Especially when you do something in a spirit of kindness and others respond with disdain or just more expectations. They can even respond with anger as if you offered them a smack instead of the hand of friendship. Life is too short to examine all these responses and to understand the why of it. Better by far to move on.

If you are pulling people out of a bad place keep going. Don’t stop to argue with someone who resents that you did them a good turn. Whether they feel small, embarrassed, self-preoccupied, angry or frustrated is neither here nor there. If you did good, it is because it is in you to do so. Don’t expect it in others. They may not have it in their own lives and so cannot give it to others.

Life passes so quickly and good nature can easily be broken on the backs of mean spirits. So, don’t linger. Don’t be taken advantage of, just move on. Everyone you meet will teach you something, if only not to past too near again!

Then there are the tyrants. Those twisted so much that your kindness is not just wasted on them it is bad for them. Kindness to such types empowers and enables them to do even more damage. We have a responsibility not to reward their acts of abuse because the next one they torment needs you to stand firm. You must have the courage, in such circumstances, to hold the line like the 300 Spartans of old. You do this not out of dislike of them but because you know that giving in to a tyrant will merely perpetuate the abuse. At such times I think of all the victims of abuse I have known. Do you remember young George flinching at our table from the sound of a banging van door? In the face of such abuse, I steel myself to screw up my courage within me. What can we do? We are nothing really but, whatever it is we are capable of being at that moment, we must strive to be that. Because on the backs of tiny pebbles the great sea waves crash! We are such pebbles and despite the power of the waves, we remain. Know that long after they have smashed and raged and broken we will remain. We were created to bear and endure. Let them do their worst because we need to focus on doing our very best.

Let’s not be distracted by their activities. We have deeds to do, mighty deeds. Time is short, too short. Life passes by so quickly and the only things we will remember are all those who we love or who loved us. Grab such souls to you. Remember their sweetness and steady your stance. The hordes are coming. Stand fast, dear heart. There is no one I’d rather have at my side in the face of injustice. You have a keen poet’s eye and see to the real heart of things. Trust in such vision, believe the courage that lies within and search for truth always.

These difficult days will pass and all we will remember is how we responded to such tests.  That will be either our lasting regret or our legacy.  Know the importance of such choices.

Thanks for asking, for talking and for being you.

Three things that bring happiness!

I read recently that the three things that make most people happy are

Going to sleep in a freshly changed bed

Feeling the sun on your face

 and the third was experiencing acts of unexpected kindness from strangers

I found this quite cheering. I honestly didn’t think that these things would be high on most people’s list.  Mind you, what makes you happy really depends on what you have experienced previously.  For example, if you have been in hospital visiting a loved one the one thing that will tick all your boxes is their speedy recovery and return home.  Alternatively, if you yourself have had a severe accident or illness and are at present stuck in hospital you probably have a much more basic and immediate wish list.

to be able to pass urine or stools - it is a little known fact that under severe trauma the body shuts off what it sees as unnecessary options and all things toilet fall under that

being flat on your back unable to turn means your desire to be able to turn onto your side becomes an exquisite luxury and sitting up unaided a distant goal

the dependence on others is such a reminder of one’s intolerable situation that any degree of regaining your own ability to wash, eat and move is seen as a tremendous step forward

It always amazes me that hospital life when you are in one, constricts to become your whole world.  When you manage to leave it is as if you find yourself in a different part of the universe.  These two places exist together but there is some mental moat that cuts us off from hospitals perhaps to protect us.  To remember those lying in hospital beds struggling with pain and fear is too much to assimilate on a daily basis so we edit it out.  That seems to make things much better.  But such choices often mean we are not seeing the world we actually live in.  Children and young people are  no longer taken to visit the dying or elderly in hospital.  It is considered too traumatic for them to contemplate such things.  Yet pretending such things do not exist or happen does not prepare them for their own life’s journey.  We can botox and facelift all we like, eventually things do not go well.  Hanging onto youth is a waste of time.  Ageing is remorseless.  As a witty old uncle whispered to me at a family gathering, “This ageing is not for ginnies!”  (ginnies - those with a nervous disposition/cowards)  It was the same uncle who over heard me criticising Northern Ireland politics and announced, “It’s a poor bird that shits in its own nest!”  

There are those who do not forget the reality of hospital life, who choose a different path.  My mother’s neighbour here used to be a Dr Blair.  He was a minister and his wife was suffering from dementia.  Regularly she would come to my parent's door and demand to be let in.  Dr Blair would come round and kindly lead her home apologising graciously.  Dr Blair was ill himself and a great age.  He walked with difficulty and much pain.  You felt he was not long for this world.  But each day he visited the wards of the local hospital going from bed to bed having sweet conversations.  I once sat and listened as he spoke to a dying man in the next bed.  This was no lecture full of brimstone and fire threats.  He talked honestly and listened.  He let them discuss death and what they feared and felt.  He did not rush to reassure with words.  He held hands and stroked shoulders.  He asked about their loved ones, about their life, asked if they wanted water or a fan.  When he spoke about dying, it was as if he too would soon be taking that final journey and the two of them were just fellow travellers on a well worn path.  He mentioned his own feelings and failings.  There was laughter too, unexpected and raw.  Usually, because Dr Blair was not good on his feet and fell quite often.  He would apologise for his bleeding head, knee or hand with the same expression, “I’m sorry, I know I’m a terrible sight but there you go!” I couldn’t understand why this was greeted with howls of laughter by the patients around him.  But after a week, I too found his bloodied presence therapy for mind and soul.  I think it was his total humility and refreshing honesty - it brought a fresh breeze into the ward.  He made us all want to be better human beings in whatever time we had left to us.  So perhaps I agree with that first list of things that make us happy and Dr Blair was a perfect example of a stranger showing unexpected acts of kindness.  May your life be touched by just such a stranger.