Tips on winning, from 3000 years of ancient wisdom

There are games that one plays and as you play you get better. 

The more difficult the opponent the more you progress. 

A skilled player will tax you, frustrate you and surprise you. Later you will lick your wounded pride. 

Afterwards, you gain from reflections on the lessons only an expert can painfully give you. Exposure to excellence does many things. 

On the one hand, it raises the bar of what is possible to heights you never knew existed. 

On the other, you learn humility and the grace to lose well. 

Otherwise, you may become a petty loser who blames everything and everyone for the gross injustice of not winning. 

Or perhaps you settle for only ever playing those of less ability than yourself. 

You become a perverted winner by fixing the game by default. 

In doing so you miss out on the real lesson to be learned. 

You will boast and bluster your victories to all who have the patience to listen. 

But all the while a tiny inner voice will nurture self-doubt. 

Losing is such a necessary part of life. 

It shows you there is much to do. 

To change, adapt, learn from others before the big game is up. 

You have to play this game of life. Win or lose it will take place. 

Your only choice is to learn from each loss or settle for pretending to be the winner you are not.

Quotes from winners from over 2000 years ago

“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.”

Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome. Lived from 121-180 AD.

“Happiness and freedom begin with one principle. Some things are within your control and some are not.”

 Epictetus – Stoic philosopher. Lived from 55-155 AD.

“Difficulties strengthen the mind as labour does the body.”

Seneca the Younger, Roman Stoic philosopher. Lived from 4BC-66AD.

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”

Confucius, Chinese teacher and philosopher. Lived 551-479 BC.

“Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.”

Heraclitus of Ephesus, Greek philosopher. Lived 535-475 BC.

“Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others."

Plato, Greek philosopher and mathematician. Lived approximately 428-347 BC.

“Be still my heart; thou hast known worse than this.”

Homer, Greek author of the Illiad and the Odyssey. Dates of birth and death are unknown. Lived somewhere in the range of 1102-850 BC.

PS the last one is one of my favourites!

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Kneading love into broken bodies and minds

In a cubicle in a darkened ward, I heard a murmur behind drawn curtains around my neighbour’s bed. It was two nurses changing the soiled bed linen. As they worked in the semi-darkness they whispered about the nightclub jaunt and they had been on the weekend before. I could make out the muffled laughter as they describe the events. Not a word from the patient on the bed.  Only a grunt of pain as they turned the dead weight between them. Sores develop when bodies lie too long on one spot. Nursing staff must regularly turn their charges like bacon on the grill, to avoid the burden of a bed sore. The patient, now immobile, cannot turn themselves to find relief. They await the mercy of others.

These two nurses giggle as they work quickly to complete their tasks. Their rubber gloves allow cleaning to be brisk and impersonal. Job done and with a laugh, over her shoulder, the gloves were discarded in a nearby container. Hand wash was dispensed and then they both emerged from behind the curtain. One whispers to the other, “it was awful crazy that last dance, I could barely stand!”

Her co-worker sniggered something I could not hear. Whatever it was, it triggered an outburst of hysterical laughter. In response, the inert figure groaned again from the bed. They left whispering confidences down the long corridor, shoes squeaking annoyingly.   

I remember having my first massage aged 50. I had waited half a century but it was worth it. As my cousin and I lay in opulent luxury at a lovely spa I was amazed what a good massage can do. These hands soothed muscles taut with stress and even penetrated deep tissue. Finding the points where pain lingers and working them free as if untying a knot.

It is an art form this craft. Masters of the trade can do real magic with their hands. I was delighted, inside one week, to be given a second voucher to a different spa.  Anticipating the same treatment, I was disappointed. It was obvious this masseur did not want to touch me. I felt her disdain through her fingertips and voice. My skin screamed its dislike of this touch. Every time her hand poked or prodded me I wanted to withdraw into the couch. To disappear completely from view or touch. It was such a relief when it was over. A long, long hour that felt as long as the 50 years that preceded it. Feeling foolish and frankly abused I left. I’d learned a lesson of sorts just not sure what?

Then this week, 10 years later I got some insights on the whole business.  Fourteen language students visited our home for a meal.  The eldest was in his 30s and was an Italian masseur with his own business in Sicily. I asked this professional about my experience at the hands of these two different masseurs.

He happily explained that physical touch conveys so much. Even one’s mood! A bad attitude is transferred to a client immediately through touch. As I described my horrid experience and its mechanics he nodded knowingly. “When you begin a massage”, he explained, “with a client and touch them you should never let go of that touch until the complete massage is over”. Apparently, touch is so personal and private you cannot afford to discard physical contact with them and then with touch intrude again. Instead, when moving on to massage a leg or arm you leave one hand always in place and only having touched and stroked the new area allow the remaining hand to be removed. The sudden withdrawal of touch in the midst of a massage is interpreted as neglect/antipathy for the client who is aware of everything through your fingertips. Care or indeed indifference is conveyed through the hands as effectively as fingerprints on a crime scene. He pointed out that the hands of a masseur should be warmed before being applied. As he spoke of how emotion can be conveyed through simple touch the vital importance of respect became clear. That it has to colour every interaction. The tone of one’s voice, respect for privacy and always permission sought for each physical interaction.

It made me think of a famous doctor who has made a medical examination into a kind of art form at Harvard. Taking care to perfect his physical examination with practice and reflection he now teaches these forgotten skills to other doctors. At a time when blood tests and scans dominate their methodology, he believes in the power of the doctor’s touch. This physical touch during medical examination, he is sure, should be an expression of concern, gentle but perceptive and can provide a deep reassurance that comforts a worried or ill patient.

It made me think of that silent patient groaning behind the curtains on the darkened hospital ward. Lifted and turned with such cavalier indifference. I know our staff have so little time, understaffed and overworked. I understand all that, but I really wish the importance of touch was taught to all. How to do it with love and respect. How spirits are soothed by the presence of mindful hands. When voices are silenced and patients withdraw beneath their skin how wonderful if loving hands caressed that wounded spirit and kneaded love into broken bodies and minds.

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The Ring of Protection

They’ve just appointed a minister of loneliness in the UK. You may be surprised or sceptical but I take it as a welcome recognition of one of the major sicknesses of today’s world. The condition afflicts not just the elderly but also children, youth and middle-aged etc as well. 

I have long observed that children will choose to operate like herds or packs. It is much more interesting for them to have all that company and interaction. They learn best by observation, how to communicate and live. However, in today’s world of destruction, they also experience the toxic pressures of social media, materialism, alcohol, drug and other forms of addiction.  These forces blight lives at any age but for children, they are particularly detrimental. Before they even begin to discover who they could be, such forces mould and distort them.  Self-harming is now too common, suicide numbers are growing, bullying is being carried out in school, at work, in neighbourhoods, homes and online.  It should be recognised that bullying and abuse does even worse damage internally than it does externally.  Those psychological scars are carried unseen and the fall out to the wider society grows. 

Unfortunately, predators easily identify those already damaged or easy prey. Just as a lion will target the eldest, weakest or youngest member of a herd of buffalo so to do human predators. What are the habits of predators? Well, they are remarkably similar to methods always used to break the human spirit (read about Solzhenitsyn's Gulag: The Simplest Methods which Break the Will).  They follow a systematic and indeed predictable pattern. In fact, at a UN conference in New York more than 15 years ago the speaker called for domestic abusers to be identified for the protection of others. Claiming that it was far easier to pinpoint abusers than to identify victims. Serial domestic abusers move from one victim to the next one while authorities question the morality/lifestyle/choices of these victims.  Instead, red flags that people are abusers are ignored.  Their need for increased control, their insistence on isolating victims from family and friends, their violence becoming more brutal during pregnancy and their violent outbreaks often being followed by sincere apologies etc are all standard textbook behaviour.  Things are changing. The Metropolitan police use a questionnaire for victims that asks the right questions to not only identify the presence of abuser but to flag up the degree of risk to the victim and save lives. Claire’s Law has been introduced so that people have the right to be informed if their new partner has a history of being an abuser.  This seeks to block the dreadful cycle of abuse continuing with another victim following in the footsteps of so many before them.

Perhaps there are lessons here for other situations.  In the playground, at school, too often the victim of bullying is lectured on being more assertive, standing up for themselves, avoiding disputes, not being alone and their parents consulted as to how they can help.  Teachers are instructed to try and protect the victim.  But all of these practices studiously ignore targeting the bully, the abuser.  Too much time and energy have again gone into quizzing the victim when actually more attention needs to be directed against the abuser and all the other unseen/uncomplaining victims they also target.  Justice needs to be tempered by compassion but there is a fundamental need for it also to act and be seen to be effective.  Not doing so, fails the victims and also encourages and empowers new would-be bullies.

Why is this tied in with loneliness? What can protect the young or old from that lioness is the herd of buffalo itself. The healthy and strongest form a circle inside which the old, young and weak are protected. Unfortunately, today’s isolation plays into the hands of predators. There are too few eyes to see, too few friends, relatives and neighbours to care.  In this new landscape, we spectate in the virtual world of entertainment. Inoculated from our neighbourhoods, those predators of body, mind and property find ample room to lope behind weak defences and run riot. It seems the best we can do in response is to throw money at the social services to mop up the damage.  What is the answer?

We are responsible for the herd.  When the young Jamie Bulger (aged 2) was being led to his death by two older boys (aged ten) they were noticed by 38 individuals.  Two members of the public did stop the boys and questioned them because of the crying and distressed toddler but did not act.  Those individuals were not to know that inaction on their part would allow a hideous murder of a vulnerable toddler.  

All of us need to know that we are responsible to and for each other. Every child you see deserves your care and protection if they need it. Each abuse victim should feel your concern. The elderly or ill should experience your kindness and engagement. Those who are targeted because of race, religion, colour or sexual persuasion need us to be more proactive in their defence.  It is not easy but understanding the psychology at work and knowing a few successful strategies in advance gives us choices (Bystander Intervention).  Not knowing is a disservice to ourselves and others. We must fight loneliness on every front.   Then, predators will experience the wrath and strength of that ring of protection and step back.  

These old bones and tendons do not bend and stretch

I’m in Gatwick about to fly home to Malta after three weeks of being a granny to active grandsons in the UK. They filled every morning with hugs and smiles at my bedside. They ran with an abundance of energy that no 60-year-old could match.

At first, my plan was to exhaust all their energy by huge walks along the coast near Folkestone. Very quickly, I learned that however far we covered the boys once fed were good to go again almost immediately. Huge adventure playgrounds, I discovered, are heart-attack places for grannies. Your child, a toddler disappears into a labyrinth high above you jostled by millions of older children. 

You cannot follow. These old bones and tendons do not bend and stretch. The elder one returns in one piece but the smaller is crying in pain somewhere in this madhouse of children, parents, psychos with ladders and drops everywhere. I follow his distinct loud cry and find him roaring at the bottom of huge metallic snake-like slide. He holds out his arms to me for comfort and we sit hugging both his pain and my absolute mind-numbing fear of having lost my grandchild away. I decide playgrounds are not safe places. It seems that one in every ten children there is roaring because they’ve fallen, been pushed, have cut their knees or banged their head or are totally lost. I determined to exit this dreadful place with two under-fives and say never again. If I had to go through this once more I’d be in heart-attack country.

Instead, I learned to be wily and conserve my energy while using theirs. I would go to the huge green park behind their house and in encourage them to roll balls down steep hills. That way they would race down, again and again, staggering up steep slopes while I sat at the top conserving my limited reserves of energy.

When with small children you find yourself smiling a lot. They ask questions that take your breath away about dying, life, sweets, bullying and then off they go at top speed. I want to summon up the very best of me to meet this challenge. To banish meanness or deflection. To answer and engage honestly. But as energy levels bottom, the challenges become harder.

I fight the weariness and try to hold tight to good humour. They deserve to be safe and nurtured. It should be the very least I achieve. But being older at least give you experience and a certain kind of knowledge of what works for you and what doesn’t. What counts against you is the terrifying responsibility. The need for constant vigilance, watching where they are and what they do. Being older one sees potential dangers on all sides. A moment of absentmindedness or distraction, this must be fought at all costs. But this war of attrition wears you down. I watch their parents carry this load lightly. Wrestling, throwing them around wasting valuable energy. Putting on music and dancing with the children, exuberant with their love and time. I marshal energy resources as if it was my last breath. Determined to make it last until little heads are fast asleep, safe in bed with pyjamas and all snug. Then the edifice collapses I fold into bed as if clubbed. Desperate that my battery is recharged. A miracle of rejuvenation is necessary!  It comes early when just after 6 AM two little angels come to my bedside again. Then, drawing deep from hugs and kisses, granny emerges from her cocoon to fly for love again.

“Love is the cause of God’s revelation unto man, the vital bond inherent, in accordance with the divine creation, in the realities of things.  Love is the one means that ensureth true felicity both in this world and the next.  Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that assureth the progress of every illumined soul.”

Baha’is Writings