Undone, Unspoken and often Untrue

What is it about short-term highs that make us forget longer-term goals? Exactly the same principle applies to short-term lows. How many a young man has chosen death because the love of his life dumped him? With the benefit of hindsight, he might have been able to see that this wonderful love-filled intoxicating relationship could with time gradually morph into a loveless tryst.  That everything that once drew him to her could become, with decades, the most annoying habits in the universe. With the benefit of that hindsight, he would choose life, not death.

There is a line in the book ‘The Heart is a Lonely Hunter’ where one married character comes home to bed while his spouse heads out to work. By this stage he hates her so much he carefully reverses the sheets on their shared bed so that his skin does not touch fabric hers might have besmirched. There is something about that gesture that denotes hatred much deeper than even a verbal or physical attack. In the midst of fresh love, it is impossible for that suicidal young man to contemplate this other reality or even its very possibility.

But can I say to all the young, bereft and heartbroken at lost love that the heart is by nature a muscle. It, like all muscles, requires exercising to strengthen. Perhaps your first love was a family pet. Your heart learned to attach itself to another entity and your ability to love grew. Your friends during childhood provided bonds that illustrated what could be gained in all relationships within the family and without. And so the habits of love were nurtured and friends perhaps helped to reinforce the joy of closeness and companionship with all its ups and downs.  Losses were encountered, pets died, friends left, even family loyalties during the tempestuous adolescent years can be strained. Love and pain can ever seem to be opposite sides of the same coin!

Your ability to feel pain is almost proportional to how deeply you loved.  All of this is a journey of learning. Along the way, however, fiction has fabricated a great lie. That there is only one soulmate for you in this world. You have got but one chance and if you lose that precious one, life has lost any purpose it might have had.  This is just not so. There are definitely more fish in the sea. Some depressingly worse than the one you have just lost but many are infinitely better than you can possibly imagine right now.

There is an expression in Ireland that comes from the old hiring fairs where in those days the unemployed turned up with their tools of trade in hand waiting to be picked by an employer. As the day wore on many an eager worker’s head would sink in despair as those around him were chosen but not he.  He would often hear, from a friend, the encouraging cry of,

“Look up, look up, there is money paid for you yet!”

Meaning someone would yet make an offer and save the day. How does one find the words to convey how precious life is? To those who have decided to throw it away. How full of possibilities life is, even when flooded by pain. The young especially feel the immediacy of their own despair. They have not the same ability to think long term. Their own emotional misery blocks the sight of any positive outcome in the future. Too often are young men left with no one to excise this pain. They cannot like many girls run crying to good friends and share their loss. Discuss the hurtful details and achieve a kind of catharsis with time.  Instead, distress can slide into despair. From there it is a small slippery slope to total defeat and failure. Life becomes a game totally lost. Pointless and dreary, a mockery not worth pursuing.

Well, it isn't and you are worth so much more than this minute. Whatever has happened, whatever you have done, whatever has been done to you, you are much more than that. The pain is real, the loss is immense but you are more than even this. Don't pretend you are not unhappy but recognise you are much more than your state of mind at this moment, good or bad. It hurts to love but it's still important to love despite the pain. And if no one loves you this moment and I mean no one, then test the power of love and love anyway.

This great fiction of love and death, like Romeo and Juliet or Anthony and Cleopatra, all urge young despairing lovers to throw away the most precious gift of all - their lives. Life and love is worth a great deal. It shapes our lives for good or bad but like despair, the long dark night will yield to the dawn. Never let these lies about love untie your reason from you.

There are many journeys ahead. Rough storms will come and you may well in the future feel even greater fear, loneliness and despair than you can possibly imagine right now. But you will find days kissed by sunshine and quiet moments of love that will make all of what has been done to you and taken from you seem just a difficult path that helped you find this pristine joy. 

“Look up look up there is money bid for you yet!”

Justice Falling Flat

Funny things happen on islands regarding the justice system.  Perhaps it is a feature of living on a tiny restricted area, where a lot of people know each other, that intimacy breeds a rather skewered attitude to the whole concept of justice.  If our civilisation is reared on two pillars reward and punishment it is scary to see that concept toppled.  Let me give an example that gives me cause for concern.

On Rhodes, in 2000 a British tourist fell from a balcony and after a 45-minute wait for an ambulance was taken to the local hospital.  There a junior doctor was unable to contact a senior doctor on duty and so merely transferred the patient to an orthopaedic ward. Where he subsequently died.  It is now thought that a simple procedure could have saved Christopher Rochester’s life had he received the correct treatment in a timely fashion.  Accidents happen and medical mistakes can be made, but what happens next in this case highlights for me the weird workings of justice on a small island.

The body is repatriated and once home the British doctors are surprised to find that a kidney is missing.  They contact the Greek authorities and subsequently another kidney arrives.  There is more horror, as this kidney is not believed to be Christopher’s, the DNA does not match.  Meanwhile, after lengthy court battles, in  February 2008 a Greek doctor, Stergios Pavlidis, was convicted and sentenced to 15 months in jail, suspended for three years.  A good eight years have now passed since the original death with no one really being punished.

The nightmare continues, for the British family, as the Greek courts insist on an exhumation of Christopher’s body to check the DNA again.  This, despite other sources being available for DNA (hair etc) without such a traumatic intervention.  So eleven years after losing their son needlessly, the family have to observe their son’s body exhumed for testing in Belgium.  At this stage, obviously an impartial laboratory is called upon independent of both Britain and Greece.  At last, you are probably thinking, as did the family, that some justice will be served.  And indeed the results are completed and ready.  But no, the Greek Government, who insisted on the testing have still, not released the results.  In June 2012, a family member claimed that any official confirmation that the kidney did not belong to Christopher would only spell more problems for the Greek authorities hence the delay. If you wrote it in a book of fiction no one would believe it.