Looking within, facing the past, finding you

Many people are in an angry, isolated and misunderstood state. Simple things that could have been resolved in a chat across a garden fence in five minutes have instead festered and grown. Even within family homes self-absorbed modes of being have stifled intergenerational exchanges. Instead of unity each retreats. Misunderstandings abound.  Disappointment is felt by many players and children lose out big time. Instead of daily conversations across a shared meal, something even our ancestors enjoyed over an open fire, we hardly touch base. The love that can be there goes unexpressed, unspoken, taken for granted and exhausts existing bank balances of shared experiences and love. No wonder disappointment reigns.  

If we’re honest our own disappointment lies closer to home. We are not what we thought we could or would be. This present shadowy creature is not a reflection of our inner reality. We sense that at a fundamental level. But veils have come between us and our own hearts. No wonder those around seem inscrutable and bewildering. We are not even sure how we ended up here. There is a vague memory of another desired path. It has been so long since we glimpsed it we’ve accepted the present landscape as our reality.

Never has time been more precious or more abused. Take a moment to look around at the faces. Sit in a cafe, train station or street centre and watch the faces. Be heartbroken at the misery written plain in too many. See others. Look at their expressions and feel your own heart contract in sympathy. Know too, that this face, that you see, is their public one. It is the shell that they adopt when exposed to the general population. Then, just imagine if you could see them at home in their own little box able to relax and really let the defences down.  Some don't even have this luxury. Their private homes are even worse plays that call on acting skills to see them through the long hours. They must perform charades, exhausted by the effort that entails. Souls lacerated, they self harm to excise the pain. Whether that harm is with a razor, drug, drink, overeating, under eating, gambling etc it matters not. These symptoms of dreadful wrongs haunt the spaces of our society.

At a time when happiness is sought by so many why has misery become ever more abundant?  These are questions that need asked. We have to remove the barriers within us. Allow the quiet honest reflection that enables you to question your own spirit and really listen to what it says. It may surprise you. Just allow silence into your life. 

Turn off all the news, entertainment, gossip, never ending tasks and, as you would with a dear dear friend who you've not seen for decades, ask the real questions that matter. Allow time for the answers to bubble up from deep within. A lot of hurt, disappointment will surface too but be patient. Deep within, you have something worth waiting for. Don't be distracted by the flak. Hold fast, it is worth it. When there is love, there is always enough time. Suddenly, there will be a flash of you. Crystal clear glimpses of the old you that is still in there. At first it may appear like shards of a broken mirror, the pieces of an old image. Reclaim yourself, you are worth the effort.

You are worthy of love and respect. You cannot feel it for others if you don't claim it for yourself. Allow the the real you step forward and recognise the voice that has been silent too long. You will get distracted and disappointed by the inactivity and lack of results. Hurt by bad memories you’ve tucked deep away. Swamped by feelings of fragility that emerges. Being sensitised is a hurtful thing! See past that, to the fluid nature within. You are all these feelings and experiences but you are even more.

Trust the voice within you, even if it just says “shut up”! Be patient, this is a dear friend who deserves your love. They have walked with you on epic journeys of heartbreak. Be still and respect the insights they offer. Know too that you will get better at mining these gems that lie inside. You are worth the effort so start digging for those jewels.

It is said our lives flash before us as we die.  Perhaps it is because in order to see, actually see the light you need to clear out the debris of life.  Why wait until the end, when this moment could be the  beginning of everything.

PS  If you don’t whether to trust the response that comes from within.  Know that there is a touchstone to measure the authenticity of real insights from vain imaginings. 

“And the honour and distinction of the individual consist in this, that he …should become a source of social good. Is any larger bounty conceivable than this, that an individual, looking within himself, should find … he has become the cause of peace and well-being, of happiness and advantage to his fellow men?”  

Shouting preachers, spiritual paths

In my childhood it was common to walk down our village street being harangued about the fires of hell. These street preachers would unleash hateful tirades against the passerby. Warning of death, everlasting torment in flames and crow about their seat in heaven being dusted and ready for them. The best of them would give a personal statement of their faith. This would usually involve a tale of woe. How they’d been a lost soul who drank to excess or took drugs, stole, committed adultery, lied and generally lived a life far from common standards of decency. They would then recount their own “road to Damascus” experience (will that phrase ever feel the same after this year in Syria?) They would describe how they had been a sinner and lost before becoming saved and joining the righteous. This salvation meant they had already booked their place in heaven. Not by deeds but by faith, they would shout.

As a child walking beside my mother, I felt no end of grievances against these proud characters. Having not yet had a chance to break many of the 10 Commandments it felt wrong to be berated by someone who had. An inverse of “let those without sin throw the first stone”. I wanted to enter into discussion with these perpetrators along the lines of Socrates. Plato describes a typical Socrates discussion with two Athenian generals about courage. Under Socrate’s questioning the generals finally admitted they no longer even understood what bravery meant. 

Not that I would've been equipped at all for such a debate. However, the longing to respond was ever in my heart. Invariably, I was told to be quiet and to keep up with my mother. The civil thing to do, it seemed, in the face of  demonic threats in the street was to walk past and ignore it. To act as if none of this was your business. Just keep your head down and keep going. That felt so cowardly to me. Why do individuals like this get to reprimand others, condemn them to hell or judge between the saved and the lost? I never liked that their idea of religion seem to consist in an abundance of hate and a deep satisfaction that most of us were bound for hell.

It has left me wanting to be silent on anything spiritual.  I would hate to make anyone I spoke to, feel as I did growing up in Northern Ireland. The idea of berating or belittling someone on the basis of their Faith appals me. Yet, I'm so interested in discussions on faith. This life after all is a spiritual journey, at its essence. Even atheists would agree that gaining virtues, principles, insights and aspiring to leave this world slightly better as a result of your presence is worthwhile.  

Socrates said :”[Man] is always becoming a new being and undergoing a process of loss and reparation, which affects ... his soul as well. No man's character, habits, opinions, desires, pleasures, pains, and fears remain always the same; new ones come into existence and old ones disappear.”

Around us are thousands of individuals who have already learned so much on their journey. Wouldn’t it be beneficial to discuss such things. Listen to what life has wrought in them. Be humble enough not to impose but absorb the insights they have gained. Strangely such conversations are often fraught. People will happily discuss the best car to invest in, their favourite team, their politics, their recent holiday, the programs they watch, but when the conversation is turned to spiritual or moral topics a veil can descend. As a cousin of mine so venomously snarled, ‘Get your hands of my soul” to an enquiry from an evangelistic neighbour. Discussions about religion can easily descend into arguments and heated exchanges. Neither of these is conducive to spiritual growth.

Is it self satisfaction or pride that blinds us to learning from others. Is it a fear of change or a desire to blindly imitate what we are familiar with at all costs?

Yet, when I have managed to have a conversation on prayer with a Muslim, a Christian or a Buddhist it has always been illuminating.  Not that one agrees with all one hears but that sacred space being shared is usually a positive experience. A Hindu friend spoke of as a child celebrating holy days in their community in Leicester. It involved her Indian mother baking huge cakes for the old people’s homes in their neighbourhood. That desire to do something kindly for the community was so ingrained in her as a child that 30 years later she found herself following her mother's example. She spoke of bringing boxes of cakes from her car and remembering her mother's presence so powerfully. My friend said, “Perhaps I do it in her name? I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel closer to her”. Another Muslim friend talked about waking every day to the sound of his father’s prayers filling their home. He felt blessed to be wakened by this call to God. He explained, “The word of God has a potency that influences those around us and can generate transformation”. When I discussed meditation with a Buddhist friend they spoke of how prayer to them was a calling out to God whereas silent meditation allowed a space to listen. He pointed out for him “in that stillness I discover the state of my own heart”. The agnostics I have met have often walked a practical spiritual path that is breathtaking. Focusing on deeds of service rather than acquiring any spiritual station they have sometimes managed to combine humility with magnanimous action. This they do, not on the weekly basis for the Sunday service but daily and even hourly with relentless integrity. There is much to learn from them.

Perhaps if we could have gathered round that shouting preacher we would've discussed spiritual pride and its disastrous consequences. Or the need not to judge another soul. Or even the fact that each of us is on a peculiar path that is unique.  That, the landscape we have emerged from, at that moment of meeting, is totally different and has shaped a human being we will never encounter the like of again. That, if we have the humility to learn at the feet of others we we may benefit from the windflowers of wisdom they have managed to pluck from their lives.