If you talk less, they listen more

My father’s attitude to looking after multiple grandchildren was rather unique. I like to think he had an odd mixture of backgrounds that lead to experimentation. His mother had died when he was very young (around two or three) so in one way he could easily relate to lonely and unusual children. Fortunately, his mother was one of 12 siblings so, on the other hand, there was an excess of aunts and uncles and cousins to lavish care and attention on him.  His sociability probably sprang from this huge extended network which he took long road trips to renew and strengthen over the decades.

Then, he was the headmaster of a secondary school and had taught in the UK, Canada and Australia. That gave him ample opportunity to get to know the developing mind of a wide range of youngsters. So, when he had grandchildren one would have figured he would use his extensive educational experience to great advantage.

However, he claimed that the best way to look after a herd of grandchildren was to leave them alone. He would generally take them to a huge flat beach where they could walk for miles and only get ankle-deep in the sea. Then, he would studiously ignore the children but follow them from a safe distance. He claimed parents were far too interfering with instructions like “Take your socks off”, “Keep your shoes on”, “Where is your coat!” “Do you need a drink?” Or be the font of too much useless information, “This is a limestone rock”, “Here is the shell of a mollusc” or “This sea is called the Atlantic?”

Or constantly made fear-inducing statements like “You could easily drown”, “The sun is really bad for your skin”, “That dog might bite”, “Beware of strangers”, “You could easily get lost, be careful”.

Instead, he felt that silence allowed the child to really explore their environment in a much more personal and intimate way. He discovered a herd of small children usually unconsciously appoints a natural leader and they keep the group together. All his energy would then be devoted to ensuring safety not distracting conversations. Adults feel the need to talk, inform, respond, elucidate to each other but especially to children. The frightening reality, he claimed, was that most talk is just gibberish and many of us have come to so many false conclusions it might be much safer to opt for silence instead.

Children were clean slates ready to write their own reality, he felt, and thought it really unfair to interfere or mess them up. This hands-off attitude changed when he had just one child in hand. Then, he’d question them mercilessly trying to work out how they thought, what they valued, their views on things etc. It was that unique ability to flick from silent bystander of the group to loving inquisitor of the single child that build epic bonds with children. When children sense you don’t need them to be an audience they relax. If you talk less, they listen more when you do speak. If you respect their space both physically and mentally they sometimes gain much more.

A friend recently described being in Africa on the savannah and learning that by walking a few steps in one direction stopping and then heading in another and stopping repeatedly, the nearby animals grew used to his presence and began ignoring him. To them, he just seemed to be another grazing animal. 

Perhaps by adopting the same approach with young children we can get the necessary closeness to observe the important interactions they’re experiencing rather than our own flawed expectations.

Seeing the world as one community

Despite being brought up in a small village, Dungiven in the heart of the Sperrin mountains (in Northern Ireland), I was aware of a wide range of religions from my father. He was headmaster of the tiny secondary school and was an avid reader and educator. Thanks to him, a whole generation of children in that area knew the world map with an intensity that was unique. Not only were all children expected to know where Bolivia, Kenya, Finland etc but also the major seas and of course all the continents. In the early years of secondary school he got children to write the names of countries on a huge blank world map at the front of the classroom. Within a few more years the best students could draw their own world map and label countries and most capitals. He developed games to reinforce their knowledge and in that secluded isolated village, high in the Sperrins, it is delightful to think of so many youngsters having their minds opened to the world beyond their tiny village. In today's world of compulsory syllabuses, learning goals, lesson plans and regular testing no teacher has the freedom to make the choices my father did. I fear the educational system is poorer as a result. I like to think that there are a whole bunch of middle-aged ex-students of my father in Northern Ireland watching their TVs in amazement as Americans are stopped and asked about world geography and demonstrate a bewildering ignorance of such things.  These ex-student’s of my dad could grab a blank piece of paper and stun the interviewer with their insights on this planet of ours and the nations that live on it.

The second priority of my dad's education system was learning about all the major world religions. In Dungiven, where there were only two groups of Christians, Protestants and Catholics, viewing each other with considerable hostility, my father taught the pupils about Hinduism, Judaism, Buddism, the Muslim Faith etc. So the basic knowledge conveyed was an insight into both the world’s nations and the faiths that sustain them. I like to think in his own way he was giving all a broader vision literally, of the world they lived in and the forces that shape the people in it. He was not popular because of this wider vision. Ignorant fanaticism was infinitely more popular. As one furious farmer shouted, 

“Look you're trying to stay on the fence between Protestants and Catholics and there is no room on that fence!”

I like to think that, in fact, my father was not focused on just being impartial between two opposing camps in the community but had a vision of the whole world and the diversity of the creeds and nations to be explored.

Almost 37 years ago I was at university and encountered the Baha’i Faith. I met the Baha’i community during their yearly fast. I remember peering into a dimly lit university refractory to see a group of students sitting eating and laughing together. When I asked what was going on, someone said the university had kept the cafeteria open longer especially for the Baha’i youth as they were fasting and could only eat after sunset. It seemed bizarrely opposite to the hedonistic lifestyle most students usually adopted when free from parental control for the first time. It made me curious but, I asked no questions, just made a mental note to check them out sometime.

My next encounter with a Baha'i happened in a lab deep in the bowels of the physics department at university. A visitor was announced and Richard St Barbe Baker OBE was introduced.  This was the famous ‘Man of the Trees’, an organisation he founded that is found all over the world and is still in existence today, known as the International Tree Foundation.  He was ahead of his time (9 October 1889 – 9 June 1982) in that, even then, he knew the importance of trees to the planet, to our atmosphere and to the soil and ecosystem.  I was impressed that Baha’is  like him took such ethical stances concerning the environment.

My curiosity got the better of me and I began to talk to the Baha’i youth and attend their well attended international evenings which were known for serving food from all over the world. Everything I heard predisposed me towards this Faith. Radiant faces, the diversity of their backgrounds, their openhearted response to questions and discussion. This was no bigoted narrow set of beliefs but rather a calling to see the earth as one planet and mankind its citizens.  Its founder’s name was Bahá'u'lláh  and when I began to read his writings they had a huge impact on me.

“Possess a pure, kind and radiant heart that thine may be a sovereignty ancient, imperishable and everlasting.”

“Ye are the fruits of one tree, and the leaves of one branch. Deal ye one with another with the utmost love and harmony, with friendliness and fellowship. He Who is the Daystar of Truth beareth Me witness! So powerful is the light of unity that it can illuminate the whole earth.”

The words seemed to reach in and open my heart to a new way of living, full of hope and endeavours.  I consulted my dad about this new religion, founded in 1844, and he bought me a book about Bahá'u'lláh called the King of Glory,  and had me inscribe on its front page the lines

“The truth will make you free.”

John 8:32

In this book Bahá’u'lláh's life of suffering, exile and imprisonment unfolded. Born in Iran, almost two hundred years ago, he became a prisoner of the Ottoman Empire and was sent to the prison city of Akka.  This is why the Baha’i World centre is found in Israel. His life story also demonstrated the power of goodness to prevail over fanaticism and hatred. The more I read  the more responsibility I felt for each member of this planet whatever their nation or religion.

If you are weary of deceit, falsehoods, disunity and division investigate a different path. Let the light of God’s words illuminate the way. There are no clergy in the Baha’i Faith, the equality of men and women is emphasised with refreshing intensity. In fact, Bahá’u'lláh stated if you cannot afford to educate all your children choose to educate the girl over the boy. Such is the importance of the role of mothers and educators of the next generation.

I like to think we were all meant to have a broader vision above our local realities. A view that lifts our heads from the small-minded pettiness of what we see around us. Our loyalties  to the entire human race must dominate every other allegiance. We all live on one planet and we must care for it and each other. Every action, every prayer should be for the betterment of the whole human race anything less does not beseem us.

“Let your vision be world embracing”.

Baha'i World Community