Speak less and doing more

There is an assumption that wives should cook. Most commonly held by men who don't cook. This erroneous mindset needs to be challenged. There are many advantages of making a different choice.

Men are frequently better cooks than their wives!

Having a husband or wife who can't cook weakens the family structure. What happens when one is ill or sent abroad? Having two parties perfectly capable of producing nutritious meals is a foundation of a stronger family unit, surely?

Children hardly ever listen to what you say, as a parent, but they watch everything you do with a forensic intensity that should frighten us. If you wish to incapacitate a son, have a father who cannot cook. Mothers, if you prefer to train your daughter for a life of kitchen duties, become the sole provider of meals for the family. 

Magazines and TV shows are full of stuff about the need for more communication morning, noon and night. Actually, silence is fine. Do less talking not more. Do more listening and watching. Be aware of what's going on. Body language can tell you much more than speech.

I've been looking after a six-month baby two mornings a week for a friend. He does not talk but there are moments when he looked around my flat for his mother. His eyes open wide in distress, he becomes very still. You can sense he is not comfortable, suddenly fearful, missing the one person who means most to him. It doesn't happen very often but when it does I must spot it early and distract him. He soon recovers, he's a good-natured chap willing to humour me with smiles if I make an effort. Most of the time he is happy to lie on cushions kicking alone. 

Most of us are like that. Much of the day we are happy in our own skin, exploring our surroundings, taking everything in. The feel of a breeze from the sea, the sound of birds, the delightful daydream that flutters by. But when we feel distressed or show signs of discomfort, with external or internal furniture,  that's the time you expect loved ones to notice and speak out. We can feel as desperate as the frog in this cartoon.

In such situations people don't need instructions or your perspective of how they got into this pickle. Just show concern enough to listen and trust on most occasions the person is perfectly capable of finding their own solutions. That frog may be in a difficult situation but he has not given up! Really believe that! Be there for them. Listen and only ask questions to understand more. Be silent for a while and let what you've been told be digested. Red Indian culture used to instruct their young to always leave a long silence when an elder spoke to them. It was thought an appropriate sign of respect. Perhaps, it's something we should all begin to do for each other. 

But we love to rush in with our story, our take on the situation. As if the person is witless and needs our input. Mostly they don't and you show you didn't really listen, you were just waiting for your cue to speak. “Seek not to instruct, seek to understand”. If you have a long tirade of advice, save it for yourself. You probably need it more and it will usually serve you better. 

When you speak less, what you do say will have more impact. Less is definitely more! Approach people mindfully. As if they are in a state of meditation and not to be disturbed. Then weigh your words carefully. Don't seek to wound. Don't believe the saying “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never harm me”. It's quite the contrary, words can cause damage that lasts longer than physical injuries. If we knew the power of speech we’d use it less not more.

Seeing the world as one community

Despite being brought up in a small village, Dungiven in the heart of the Sperrin mountains (in Northern Ireland), I was aware of a wide range of religions from my father. He was headmaster of the tiny secondary school and was an avid reader and educator. Thanks to him, a whole generation of children in that area knew the world map with an intensity that was unique. Not only were all children expected to know where Bolivia, Kenya, Finland etc but also the major seas and of course all the continents. In the early years of secondary school he got children to write the names of countries on a huge blank world map at the front of the classroom. Within a few more years the best students could draw their own world map and label countries and most capitals. He developed games to reinforce their knowledge and in that secluded isolated village, high in the Sperrins, it is delightful to think of so many youngsters having their minds opened to the world beyond their tiny village. In today's world of compulsory syllabuses, learning goals, lesson plans and regular testing no teacher has the freedom to make the choices my father did. I fear the educational system is poorer as a result. I like to think that there are a whole bunch of middle-aged ex-students of my father in Northern Ireland watching their TVs in amazement as Americans are stopped and asked about world geography and demonstrate a bewildering ignorance of such things.  These ex-student’s of my dad could grab a blank piece of paper and stun the interviewer with their insights on this planet of ours and the nations that live on it.

The second priority of my dad's education system was learning about all the major world religions. In Dungiven, where there were only two groups of Christians, Protestants and Catholics, viewing each other with considerable hostility, my father taught the pupils about Hinduism, Judaism, Buddism, the Muslim Faith etc. So the basic knowledge conveyed was an insight into both the world’s nations and the faiths that sustain them. I like to think in his own way he was giving all a broader vision literally, of the world they lived in and the forces that shape the people in it. He was not popular because of this wider vision. Ignorant fanaticism was infinitely more popular. As one furious farmer shouted, 

“Look you're trying to stay on the fence between Protestants and Catholics and there is no room on that fence!”

I like to think that, in fact, my father was not focused on just being impartial between two opposing camps in the community but had a vision of the whole world and the diversity of the creeds and nations to be explored.

Almost 37 years ago I was at university and encountered the Baha’i Faith. I met the Baha’i community during their yearly fast. I remember peering into a dimly lit university refractory to see a group of students sitting eating and laughing together. When I asked what was going on, someone said the university had kept the cafeteria open longer especially for the Baha’i youth as they were fasting and could only eat after sunset. It seemed bizarrely opposite to the hedonistic lifestyle most students usually adopted when free from parental control for the first time. It made me curious but, I asked no questions, just made a mental note to check them out sometime.

My next encounter with a Baha'i happened in a lab deep in the bowels of the physics department at university. A visitor was announced and Richard St Barbe Baker OBE was introduced.  This was the famous ‘Man of the Trees’, an organisation he founded that is found all over the world and is still in existence today, known as the International Tree Foundation.  He was ahead of his time (9 October 1889 – 9 June 1982) in that, even then, he knew the importance of trees to the planet, to our atmosphere and to the soil and ecosystem.  I was impressed that Baha’is  like him took such ethical stances concerning the environment.

My curiosity got the better of me and I began to talk to the Baha’i youth and attend their well attended international evenings which were known for serving food from all over the world. Everything I heard predisposed me towards this Faith. Radiant faces, the diversity of their backgrounds, their openhearted response to questions and discussion. This was no bigoted narrow set of beliefs but rather a calling to see the earth as one planet and mankind its citizens.  Its founder’s name was Bahá'u'lláh  and when I began to read his writings they had a huge impact on me.

“Possess a pure, kind and radiant heart that thine may be a sovereignty ancient, imperishable and everlasting.”

“Ye are the fruits of one tree, and the leaves of one branch. Deal ye one with another with the utmost love and harmony, with friendliness and fellowship. He Who is the Daystar of Truth beareth Me witness! So powerful is the light of unity that it can illuminate the whole earth.”

The words seemed to reach in and open my heart to a new way of living, full of hope and endeavours.  I consulted my dad about this new religion, founded in 1844, and he bought me a book about Bahá'u'lláh called the King of Glory,  and had me inscribe on its front page the lines

“The truth will make you free.”

John 8:32

In this book Bahá’u'lláh's life of suffering, exile and imprisonment unfolded. Born in Iran, almost two hundred years ago, he became a prisoner of the Ottoman Empire and was sent to the prison city of Akka.  This is why the Baha’i World centre is found in Israel. His life story also demonstrated the power of goodness to prevail over fanaticism and hatred. The more I read  the more responsibility I felt for each member of this planet whatever their nation or religion.

If you are weary of deceit, falsehoods, disunity and division investigate a different path. Let the light of God’s words illuminate the way. There are no clergy in the Baha’i Faith, the equality of men and women is emphasised with refreshing intensity. In fact, Bahá’u'lláh stated if you cannot afford to educate all your children choose to educate the girl over the boy. Such is the importance of the role of mothers and educators of the next generation.

I like to think we were all meant to have a broader vision above our local realities. A view that lifts our heads from the small-minded pettiness of what we see around us. Our loyalties  to the entire human race must dominate every other allegiance. We all live on one planet and we must care for it and each other. Every action, every prayer should be for the betterment of the whole human race anything less does not beseem us.

“Let your vision be world embracing”.

Baha'i World Community