What Am I?

Starting the adventure full of fire
Seeing so much to do, veins pumping
Brain fizzing with possibilities
Then middle-aged asking where the years have gone
Ironing and folding, washing and tidying away all mess
Cooking and buying, stuff that will need more cleaning and work
A cycle of endeavour that no one really appreciates
Perhaps they’d notice if it were not done
But ordering in is easily done and disorder becomes the norm
So what is this all for?
A treadmill that began when tiny bodies arrived dependent and helpless

An ocean of love demanded that all their needs be met
A moment’s hesitation could cost their life
The roads, the knives, the scalding cups
And not just this
A sudden urge to give to them something of worth
From all life’s experiences, books, films, religions, great thinkers, science, philosophy
Cherry pick and feed them the morsels of the best
And not just this
Knowing that it is deeds not words that they really learn from
Fighting to be a better example
An inward struggle not to be selfish, mean spirited, fearful, despondent, negative and far from the light
Knowing that all the while that along with the morsels of goodness
They are also consuming great drafts of polluted us
Choking on the grit of our failings

Then dawns the day for which you struggled, worked and prayed
An independent soul steps out towards the light
Sometimes you see echoes of yourself, a gesture, a laugh
But it is just a faint shadow because they are so much better and brighter than you dreamed possible
And from that place in the sun they can look back and see the darkness of us
Our failings, faults and fumblings
Suddenly feeble, lost with no parent’s authority to clothe ourselves
Watching the ceaseless tasks we fill our days with
Wondering why we chose this
And you want to tell them it was all because of love
Every day the joy of those you love
Laughing, living, being
Out of that, a routine was born and even now when all stand before me independent
Strong and capable
I continue as before
What am I to do?
For so long this was the pattern of my life
Don’t judge me
I must find a new path but am just a little lost

You see you no longer need me and that need has fuelled the last quarter century of my life
Now I clean and iron and cook and wonder what am I?
No longer what I was, but not sure what lies ahead
Fearful, lacking confidence, older, forgetful and trying to find myself anew
Stumbling forward hoping to find direction

Trying to let go and trust
Suddenly, looking inward and within
Scrambling to find self worth to cling to
It’s difficult with all this flab
But somewhere in this half century of life’s battlefield
I have learned to be grateful for this ocean of love and am
Willing myself to end the adventure full of fire with so much to do.