Friday 1 March 2013

Thoughtful bits


I have no energy to write so I shall merely quote others!

"I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet's, the writer's, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honour and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past. The poet's voice need not merely be the record of man, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help him endure and prevail."

William Faulkner: Nobel Prize Speech
Stockholm, Sweden
December 10, 1950




“Think about what you thought college would be like, and what you expected yourself to be like. Now look at yourself. I'm going to hazard a guess and say that things totally didn't turn out like you expected. This process will repeat itself ad nauseam throughout your entire life.” 

Adam Savage (Host: Mythbusters): Sarah Lawrence College, NY



“Remember that despair is never the solution. Remember, hatred is never an option. Remember that hope is not a gift given to us, hope is a gift that we give to others." 

Elie Wiesel

Friday 22 February 2013

Lost in the Trees but grateful




I went to a talk on trees here in Malta this week.  It was interesting to hear and learn about what is happening here and to listen to people from Malta passionate about protecting their environment.  Inspiring to be surrounded by those who really care in a world where it seems so many don’t have time to.  Not, that the rest don’t care, it is just that everyone seems to have more than enough on their own plate as it is.  So I was delighted,  that the room was packed with over a hundred, all there to make their feelings for their environment clear. It was with reluctance I left, slightly early, to make my way home by bus.  Proceeded in the dark, to catch the wrong bus heading not to Sliema and home, but in exactly the opposite direction.    So after a 45-minute bus journey (it always amazes me that on a small island,  picture a square with a side of 12 km, journeys can last so long) the bus came to a halt in the darkness of an isolated village.  The bus driver turned the engine off and then turned to me in the empty bus and said in an exasperated tone,

“Where exactly do you want to go?”

I told him where I wanted to go and he told me that I was an hour from where I should be.  Despair must have filled my face because he was suddenly anxious to help.  I asked if there were taxis anywhere around and was even more disturbed to find that there were none at all.  This was a pickle, indeed. 

He started the engine of the empty bus and told me that he would take me to Rabat and there might be taxis available there.  I was shocked that he would go out of his way, bus and all to take me closer to home.  He dropped me off and I was able to catch another bus homewards.  By this stage, it was dark and the only other person on the bus was a Canadian woman.  We started talking and she turned out to be a financial advisor and photographer from Canada who works from her computer here in Malta for a firm abroad.  A lovely person and we exchanged mobile numbers before we parted.  As I waited for the final bus home another young Maltese teenager told me she was studying for her final exams, she wanted to be a chef.  It was sweet hearing her discuss her plans to have her own restaurant one day.  It is impressive how hopeful young people are and how passionate about their futures.  When you reach my age, finding the right bus home is enough of a major challenge for the day! 

But as I staggered up to my flat exhausted and falling asleep from the long day at work, I was suddenly grateful for it all.  Grateful for the many who came to the Tree meeting, thankful to the benevolent bus driver, happy to meet such warm and likable travellers on a cold lost night and aware that every moment of life is special.  Even the absolutely exhausting ones.

Saturday 9 February 2013

Proof of God in Chairs



It was a small gathering in our home of around a dozen people and the discussion for debate was the existence of God.  My youngest son had become bored with the whole tenor of the conversation and was finding it hard to control his temper.  It is a general rule, I’ve found when discussing religious subjects that if heated arguments develop it is not worth continuing as the outcomes rarely lead to enlightenment.  They usually end with a fall out of hurt and aggrieved feelings.  In my experience it is not wise to tell a friend that their nose is exceptionally large.  It will be taken as truly offensive not an objective assessment.  Worse still if you tell someone their child is misbehaving, they will rise to their loved one’s diffence and hate you for a lifetime.  But on a sliding Richter scale past personal slights, insults to their offspring comes challenging religious views.  These classify as 9.2 on the Richter scale of damage fall out.  Only the foolish, brave or stupid expose themselves to such danger zones. 

So it was with some concern I noted the rising voices and heated tones as the discussion developed.  Susan, a rather large lady was an agnostic and had been belittling the Christian and the Islamic Faiths with some fervour.  How could any sensible person believe such twaddle.  As most of the rest were religious people from a wide range of backgrounds, hackles were not surprisingly rising.  The small flat was packed every seat filled and we had brought in plastic garden chairs.      There is an advantage in uncomfortable seating, visitors are not likely to over stay their welcome.  The quiet Quaker gentleman to her left launched into a detailed metaphysical proof of the existence of God.  Halfway into his piece Susan leant over and sneered
“Who are we kidding here?”

My youngest son, Daniel had had enough.  There was no escape in this tiny flat from such challenges, he just had to endure what came and went.  There were no private spaces to withdraw to and obviously he’d passed his own personal limit of patience.  He asked Susan,

“Do you want me to prove to you the existence of God?”

Coming from an adolescent in obviously bored tones this silenced even the loud Susan.  But not for long she recovered quickly and extending her arm to him said, challengingly,
“The floor is yours!”

Frankly, I was more than a little concerned.  Daniel has many qualities but subtlety was not one of them and I knew we had entered dangerous waters with a rather articulate adolescent thrown in the mix.  He’d had enough of Susan dominating the evening and was determined to put on a good show.  Pushing himself out of the stool in the corner he walked to the middle of the room and looked at everyone around him soberly.  He then dramatically lay flat on his back on the floor and stared at the ceiling in silence.  There was an uncomfortable but dramatic silence in the room and it filled with all the tensions of the religious disputes that had dominated the evening.  Those who had been offended had time in that short silence to nurse their hurts.  It was an angry silence not a nice one.  I wondered what on earth was about to happen.  Suddenly, he stood up and said to Susan,

“The reason you don’t believe in God is because you don’t feel Him.  You are trying to understand Him but you can’t.”

Susan started to speak, but Daniel held up his hand,

“Let me finish”, he advised

“It’s like expecting the chair you are sitting on to understand you.  It can’t because it is only a chair.  So when we try to understand God we are like a chair trying to grasp what a person is.  It is beyond us.  But we like the chair can feel things.”

Susan had been silent long enough and interjected with her sarcastic cry,

What exactly can the chair feel?”

Daniel approached her and pointed to the splayed legs of the plastic chair beneath her and said,

“The chair cannot understand you but it can feel you, look at the way the legs are bending.” 

here he dramatically pointed out the straining plastic to all in the room.  There was a horrible intake of breath as the significance of that remark was digested.  Mute horror followed, but Daniel was in full throttle and took the silence as appreciation of his point.  We all stared in consternation as Susan’s face blushed a crimson colour.  He elaborated,

“It means the chair knows you are sitting on it, well not knows, it feels, responds to your weight, right?”

Susan blinked twice and looked at Daniel with growing discomfort.  He took her silence as agreement,

“So even though the chair cannot grasp what kind of person you are, it knows exactly what weight you are, because it supports you, all of you.”

This was becoming painful in so many ways I cannot begin to bring to life here in print.  Daniel however was well into his Attorney for God’s defence mindset and extremely focussed on the argument in hand.

“So even if we cannot understand God, we might be able, like the chair, to feel Him?  Right?”

Susan sat, appalled by the turn of events and yet like us all, strangely gripped by the theatre of it all.  She was still blushing in her role as the magician’s assistant and not at all sure where this was heading.

I wanted to start serving tea and coffee, or press a fire alarm, anything to break the growing tension in the room but sat as horrified as the rest, spell bound by just how awkward this all was.

Susan for the first time, that evening said nothing, just nodded at Daniel, as if playing along would lesson the present pain.  Then out of the blue came a small voice from Susan, more of a cry than a statement,

“But I cannot feel Him!” She looked at only Daniel and there was a desire there, a genuine desire to be understood.  There was a truth in that cry and my heart missed a beat.  Gone was the aggressive argumentative woman and in her place was a gentle soul, bewildered at the turn of events.

Daniel spoke quietly in response,

“The reason the chair feels you is because it is under you, the reason it can carry the weight is because it bends.  If you want to feel God you must want to be near Him, and you must bend.”

A magical moment in a very long and uncomfortable evening.

Friday 1 February 2013

blank



I used to have lists of things to do, written on crisp white sheets in a fine jotter.  Then as each job was completed I'd score it off with satisfaction.  A list of accomplishments to mark the passing days.  Being a productive a measure of my purpose in life.  Progress tallied on each fresh page.  but now I spend ages searching for a pen, I had a second ago.  If only I could find my glasses I'd stand a better chance.  My new skill seems to be able to make things disappear instantly.  Vital pieces of paper, phones, purses can all be magically transported.  It's not restricted to material things either.  My thoughts too have begun to delete themselves, like a hard drive wiping out sectors at a whim.  I've begun to doubt myself, forget why I've entered a room and names have evaporated as well.  I am being positive about the whole affair.  I choose to think it is all about reaching a stage of detachment.  Removing oneself from all without and even that within.  Perhaps, I'll come full circle and will end up being the crisp blank sheet I once wrote on.

Saturday 26 January 2013

Justice Falling Flat


Funny things happen on islands regarding the justice system.  Perhaps it is a feature of living on a tiny restricted area, where a lot of people know each other, that intimacy breeds a rather skewered attitude to the whole concept of justice.  If our civilisation is reared on two pillars reward and punishment it is scary to see that concept toppled.  Let me give an example that gives me cause for concern.

On Rhodes, in 2000 a British tourist fell from a balcony and after a 45-minute wait for an ambulance was taken to the local hospital.  There a junior doctor was unable to contact a senior doctor on duty and so merely transferred the patient to an orthopaedic ward. Where he subsequently died.  It is now thought that a simple procedure could have saved Christopher Rochester’s life had he received the correct treatment in a timely fashion.  Accidents happen and medical mistakes can be made, but what happens next in this case highlights for me the weird workings of justice on a small island.

The body is repatriated and once home the British doctors are surprised to find that a kidney is missing.  They contact the Greek authorities and subsequently another kidney arrives.  There is more horror, as this kidney is not believed to be Christopher’s, the DNA does not match.  Meanwhile, after lengthy court battles, in  February 2008 a Greek doctor, Stergios Pavlidis, was convicted and sentenced to 15 months in jail, suspended for three years.  A good eight years have now passed since the original death with no one really being punished.

The nightmare continues, for the British family, as the Greek courts insist on an exhumation of Christopher’s body to check the DNA again.  This, despite other sources being available for DNA (hair etc) without such a traumatic intervention.  So eleven years after losing their son needlessly, the family have to observe their son’s body exhumed for testing in Belgium.  At this stage, obviously an impartial laboratory is called upon independent of both Britain and Greece.  At last, you are probably thinking, as did the family, that some justice will be served.  And indeed the results are completed and ready.  But no, the Greek Government, who insisted on the testing have still, not released the results.  In June 2012, a family member claimed that any official confirmation that the kidney did not belong to Christopher would only spell more problems for the Greek authorities hence the delay. If you wrote it in a book of fiction no one would believe it. 

Thursday 24 January 2013

work


Got a job
No time to write
to walk to cafes
to chill at the seaside
think thoughts
just spend so many hours
getting ready
working late
then early start
the bus passes
my cafe
someone else drinks my coffee
sigh
I stare through bus window
glad I have work at last
but oh, feel so very tired

Monday 21 January 2013

Against every principle



In this new technological world we must change.  It is inevitable like evolution that we adapt or die.  I too have made adaptations I swore I never would.  Thought I’d die rather than capitulate, let me explain.

All my life I have looked on in amazement at human activities that I see as a perversion of the soul.  What are these?  It is a huge swathe of stuff from crosswords, to jigsaw puzzles, includes pub quizzes, Suduko, word search books (Find Wally for Adults), Mastermind, Who wants to be a Millionaire, the list goes on.  To me, these are all a complete waste of life.  Those who indulge in such activities have little to expend their mental energies/time on and so indulge in this displacement activity.  I regard them all as that ritual behaviour regularly observed by animals in captivity denied the freedom to express their real nature.  In despair, I observed it in a university staff tearoom where a book on such questions as, ‘who was King of England in 708AD?’ is used to while away the valuable free time at breaks.  I mean what the hell? 

My opinions have brought me into conflict with a wide range of nice people.  Our neighbours would regularly sit and do 10,000 piece jigsaws on carefully constructed boards.  I felt like I had walked in on some masochistic ritual they felt obliged to subject themselves to.  Those who contend that they are good for the mind, please show me the evidence.  I suspect many will, at this point, wheel out the new brain tools hailed as useful in preventing senility.  To which I reply, use it or lose it.  Like your legs, which if immobile in a shockingly short space of time, become incapable of supporting you.  So too, your mind was designed to be active, to achieve, discover, create, engage and progress.  I’ll admit doing something is better than nothing and for those isolated and deprived of viable alternatives activities are needed.  But surely, crafts are a better way to go.  Or hobbies, or travel, or meeting new people, or being in contact with those you already know?  The sad thing is that we have become so socially isolated that we are less able to cope with anyone.  The more we reach for that soothing crossword to keep us company to while away the remaining hours of life. 

But I must confess to doing Suduko this week.  Yes, it is against every principle I choose to cling to.  Let me explain my mother in Northern Ireland is addicted and spends ages doing these bloody things.  People buy her books of the cursed squares.  I once had a colleague in college who pulled open his drawer in our shared office, full of Suduko puzzles.  If he’d shown me a drawer full of dirty underpants I would have not have been so disgusted.  He could tell from my reaction I was not a fan.  He harboured a resentment towards me for some years, probably all my fault.  His hostility only changed the day I asked if he had any deodorant.  I’d come to work in haste having slept in and showered but had omitted to apply deodorant and after a taxing morning with goats in the school animal room could not stand the smell of myself.  I asked my Suduko-liking colleague for deodorant and he opened the cupboard above his desk and showed me a chemists shop of goodies, elaborating on the benefits of each.  I was grateful and he was ecstatic.  Obviously sharing toiletries takes relationships to a deeper and closer level.  Our differences over Suduko forgotten in a haze of Brute deodorant.  If only I could have known that all it took to declare peace and make friends was to ask for a favour.

While on holiday this Christmas I challenged my mum to Suduko.  I liked the way competition threw her into a sweat and spoiled the usual tranquillity of her Suduko hours.  Instead of relaxed contemplation there was panicked filling in, nervous checks of her opponent.  The occasional defeat sharpened her desire to wipe the floor with me.  Having returned to Malta my mother in the evening regularly now comes on Skype and we pick an online puzzle to tackle.  Once we have taken it down the clock is ticking and silence reigns until one of us completes the bloody thing.  Despite my hatred of Suduko and such things, that half hour of shared competition brings my Mum into my day in an immediate and companionable routine.  It may be against every fibre of my being but I must choose to make space for the oddities of someone as sweet and dear as she.