Darnell strikes a low blow

‘Millions of women have bladder leaks let’s talk about it’, proclaimed a leaflet dropped through my mum’s letterbox this week. Strangely, despite being 89 my mum’s bladder control is phenomenal.  Better in fact, much better than mine.  Mine has a strange mind of its own.

I can walk 3 to 4 hours everywhere around this town and its surroundings with no problem. But as I near the street where we live, my bladder seems to get overexcited. “Steady on”, I tell it. I have noticed that in one’s 60s you begin to address organs and limbs and even other parts of your anatomy as if they are separate entities. I reckon it’s because they tend to play up in unexpected ways on the quality of life. This gives them a sort of character of their own. My knee for example will suddenly dislike steep or downwards slopes.  The pain generated feels as if the knee doesn’t like such slopes and this capricious nature gives it a particular identity of its own.  

My bladder also has a sense of humour. I used to think of it as being darn right malicious but I’ve grown to realise it just has an incredible sense of humour. This means at certain critical points when it is not possible or inappropriate to use a bathroom, at a wedding or funeral service or when being examined in a doctor’s surgery etc my bladder will signal a sudden need.  I call my bladder Darnell because in part I used to say to myself at such times “Darn it!”  The darn grew into a Darnell because something that could be both overexcited and yet so playfully humorous deserved a name.   

This process of addressing body parts continues apace with age until even inanimate objects seem to acquire a personality of their own. A dear aunt of mine comes down into her own kitchen every morning and asks “Where are you, kettle?” She has my sympathy I already have a strange ability to make inanimate objects disappear, such as keys phones etc but as yet I refuse to address them.  Give it another decade and I can imagine quite nasty conversations with these perverse objects which hide so effectively. 

Where was I? Oh yes, my bladder. When I am a good 10 minutes from my destination my bladder begins to sense relief is coming soon and gets over-excited. I usually sit on a small wall and pretend to tie my shoelaces telling my bladder firmly we are not home yet only close! On bad days I feel all my neighbours are noticing my predicament and on good days I don’t care. Given my mum’s camel-like ability to store water for long periods I was perplexed when she produced free coupons for discrete bladder leak pants and pads for me to get while doing the weekly shop. When I asked why she wanted them she shrugged and pointed out that they were free as if we would be fools not to use these freebies popped through our letterbox. The fact they were unneeded did not matter. Reluctantly I found myself in Tesco’s looking at shelf after shelf of bladder protection products trying to identify the brand that corresponded to the coupon in my hand. It was all too confusing so I asked a staff member who was stacking shelves nearby. She suggested ones that seemed to correspond to my coupon and I threw them into my shopping basket with all the other purchases. 

It was only when I reach the checkout and handed through all the groceries that I came upon the bladder protection stuff and remembered my voucher and held it up. The cashier said she wasn’t sure the voucher corresponded to that particular pack. She told me to wait a minute and shouted over to a colleague a few rows away, "Deidre, are these the bladder protection pads that match the coupons?” Deidre couldn’t make out the details of the coupon from that distance and told her many customers to wait while she came over to inspect first the coupon and then the pads. At least two queues of shoppers were now paying close attention to our goings-on. Deirdre frowned confused, “I’m not sure, I made a mistake earlier on and handed out the wrong pads to a customer. Let me call Dave the manager!” 

This whole affair was rapidly turning into a circus. Red-haired Dave arrived but seemed reluctant to tackle this incontinence problem. He explained to the cashiers, “Actually I’m due my break now, let me get Richard”. His voice boomed out “Richard, Richard!” towards a dark-haired man with greasy hair at the back of the store near the freezers. “Richard, can you come and sort out incontinence pads for this lady?” This particular lady wanted to hide under her trolley at this stage but there was no escape. I suggested to the cashier closest to me, “Never mind, leave it.” But she explained she’d already scanned in the pads.  Richard arrived looking worried and announced to both tellers in a concerned voice “I don’t know much about incontinence stuff”. I said “Look, it’s okay I don’t want it anymore.” The teller explained sulkily to the manager, “I’ve already entered the coupon and pads in the system we just need to find the right bladder protection thing it refers to". Fearing Richard would head off looking for more brands and wanting this whole affair over I repeated more firmly, “I don’t want it anymore, I just want to pay for the groceries.” Richard looked relieved and said “Sure, but we just need to remove the voucher and pads from the receipt.” He told a teller to give me the receipt and then said “You just need to go to customer services and they will remove the item and settle the balance.” He smiled relieved the whole thing was no longer a problem needing to be solved.  He accompanied me part of the way to the customer service desk near the door and then stopped and said in a loud voice, “Daphne, could you help this lady!”  

To be honest I wanted to hug this greasy Richard. By this stage, I felt sure he would mention bladder control to this part of the supermarket too.  After all, at this end, there was a whole other audience that didn’t know I was trying to get a product for a leaky bladder. Daphne was suitably helpful and quickly removed the item from my receipt and prepared to give me the money in exchange.  She whispered across the counter to me that many women had found it impossible to find the right product matching the coupon sent out.  That made me feel much better and I began to relax, I smiled and explained my mother was particularly keen on using all coupons that provided free goods.  Daphne, responded, “I know, if there is a coupon available my mum is exactly the same and gets it even if it is something she never eats!”  We both laughed and to be honest I was feeling much better as I awaited the change she was taking out of the till.  

But Darnell would have the last laugh, at that precise moment she struck and I had to take my change and rush into the nearby toilet beside the customer service.  When I emerged from the facility Daphne said nothing but there was a rueful expression on her face that had a small smirk to it.  I could be wrong, I know I am super sensitive, my mother points this out on a daily basis, but I have taken to avoiding Tesco’s for a while.   Even free coupons can cause humiliation to this soul!  

Lessons learned in a dark A&E

Heartbroken by the rows of trolleys packed back to back in corridors at 2 am in a darkened A&E department. Most seem to hold an elderly patient grey-faced and loosely bandaged in a twisted blanket embalming the old and sick. Heads hang off necks too weak to support them. The trolleys are bereft of pillows with cold and plastic surfaces easier to wipe down and clean. Their inhabitants, if strong enough, repeatedly plead for pillows to any passing staff member. Pillows are banned now along with much of the expected humanity one would hope to find in a place of healing. 

They usually only end up here as a last desperate resort. When really in pain beyond endurance or unable to draw breathe properly, the elderly, like my mum at 89, break their daily vow never to go to hospital, and 999 is dialled. Mum’s ambulance had raced from Limavady to Ballymoney to collect her as Coleraine Hospital had all their available ambulances parked outside A&E unable to offload patients.   My Mum was shaking uncontrollably for hours with severe back pain, vomiting, and breathing fast shallow gasps of air until we eventually called the emergency services. 

The ambulance arrived in response to the call in just over half an hour and the dispatcher stayed on the call talking to me while we waited.  A team of three determined ambulance personnel arrived with loads of equipment and quickly checked measured blood and heart measurements. They administered pain relief and insisted on taking my mum to the hospital. They said there were just too many worrisome medical indicators and we reluctantly agreed. They decided to go to Antrim hospital because of the queues outside Coleraine A&E.  But when we arrived outside Antrim A&E there was a five-hour wait in the car park. My poor 89-year-old mother gasped in agony at the hardness of the stretcher in the back of the ambulance. The wait seemed never-ending, those trolleys are not designed for comfort. During that long and unbearable night, I was struck that so many elderly and vulnerable patients are lying for hours and hours waiting for help in such conditions. Some die on these hard-cold trolleys outside hospitals and it seems to go on getting worse and worse instead of being improved. We wouldn’t let a badly injured dog howling in pain sit in the back of the van outside a vet’s so why do we expect the vulnerable, the ill, and stoic elderly to endure such conditions?  

Shame on this system of abuse. Is it due to a lack of funding, gross incompetence, a lack of staff, shortage of beds or equipment, staff burnout, or GPs hiding in the trenches while emergency services face all the flack?  I have no idea, what is wrong with the system. I cannot fault the kind ambulance staff or the over-pressured hospital staff but it is not acceptable. Too many are in corridors or in the back of ambulance vans suffering pain and whatever we are doing is not fixing it. On my worst days, I wonder how truly awful everything will have to get before we throw off this strange stupor and make even small changes to improve these conditions. I know there are amazing souls working their hearts out to try and make a difference it’s just I just feel we need to do more than just applaud them.

When we had eventually entered A&E mum’s trolley was wheeled into a corridor filled with other patients on trolleys end to end like carriages of a train awaiting a missing engine.  In the nearby ward, there is a shouting angry man and there seems to be three staff remonstrating with him.  I think they want him to wear an oxygen mask but he doesn’t want it and shouts violently and aggressively, he pulls it off and the staff tries to reconnect it.  Their arguments go on hour after hour and there is a tiny part of me rather ashamed to resent that this nosy intoxicated patient is draining all the efforts of so many staff.  After all, the softly moaning old lady two trolleys away may need more help but is not getting much attention.  Another patient in the ward is a young teenager who has tried to commit suicide and two staff try to convince her to stay rather than discharge herself immediately.  Her father arrives and joins the team pleading that the results from blood tests need to be checked before she can leave.  She is dressed and standing close to the ward door trying to push past them as they valiantly encourage her to stay.  This discussion lasted a good 40 minutes and was conducted with a lot of shouting.  It seems that, like in most places, those that have the energy to protest louder get a lot more attention.  Even here in this world of sickness and pain, it is the noisy demanding patients that drain valuable resources their way.  The very ill and old have little energy or will to make such demands and just endure the lack of attention, the noise, and the disturbance.  

I stayed by my Mum all night, beside her trolley, on a plastic chair kindly provided by a night nurse.  In the early hours of the morning, I could rub her sore back, and whisper answers to her questions.  In this frightening and foreign place, we had each other.  My Mum hates hospitals and on the rare occasions, she has had to go in refuses to eat or drink and seems to withdraw into herself not speaking to staff.  She can lose so much of her body weight in days.  When the morning shift arrived, I was told to leave the A&E immediately.  

Perhaps if the health system all had looked efficient and professional I would have accepted this better.  But in the chaos of so many patients and shortage of staff, I felt that I was being asked to desert a loved one to uncertain unsteady hands.  I was told they would do some tests on my Mum and I needed to leave but when they finished the tests they no longer allowed me to enter the A&E.  I remonstrated with staff to no avail and waited in a closed hospital café restless like a dog that has left its post.  A nice passing nurse, from a different department, let me back in with her card and I found mum had been moved to a different alcove, she seemed more withdrawn and silent.  The nurse in charge found me back in her A&E and was understandably annoyed and insisted I leave immediately.  I am ashamed to say after an hour or so outside I followed a passing cleaner into A&E who kindly let me in behind her.  This time the head nurse was angrier to find me back again beside my Mum.  I felt like a loyal dog that was being chased from the side of its owner but even embarrassment and shame could not stop me from wanting to be there with mum.  I felt sorry for the already short-staffed A&E department that I was being so unreasonable.  But another part of me could not condone deserting my Mum.  That seemed an even larger more unforgivable wrong.  

I have no answers.  I know so many died alone during this pandemic far from loved ones.  The privilege of those last moments of being there, where it is hardest to be, at the passing of a dear one was denied.  It feels inexcusable and we sense so many other mistakes were made. It is difficult to rectify them all or even reflect on the lessons that need to be learned.  So many hearts have been broken.  Perhaps one solution is to find our humanity again and ensure it is expressed in all the different settings that matter.  One of the important lifelines for those who are ill may well be loved ones.  Even some animals will not leave a wounded family member, surely such instincts should be supported by institutional systems rather than blocked or denied?  

In this depressing world of increasingly isolated living, that leaves so many alone and afraid we must rebuild the vital links with family, friends, and neighbours that fortify all of us.    There are times that instinctually you feel the direction of flow is in a negative direction and you need to consciously head the opposite way.  Perhaps rebuilding broken or neglected human bonds is the upstream movement that all of us need to focus on in these testing times.  

Mud holes, heroes and homes that nurture

My grandfather was a brave character. He enlisted in World War I and when he gave his age of 16 years the enlisting officer told him to walk around the table and come back and say he was 17.  He was then accepted into the Irish Fusiliers and subsequently shipped via Folkestone to France and the killing fields of World War 1.  When he returned to his village after the war had ended he hardly ever spoke of what he had seen.  Perhaps, the horror could not be shared with family and friends, it had to just be endured.  He seemed to regard the world differently as if fear of death had been erased on those blood-soaked muddy fields.

He was mentioned in dispatches and his photograph and the message from Churchill are on the wall here in my parent’s home.  He was shot in the arm and badly wounded but was indomitable and even volunteered to go out on extra missions from the trenches. This was no small thing as often the commanding officer would a handgun ready to shoot those who wouldn’t go over the top, such was the fear felt in those wretched mud holes.  On emerging from the shelter of the trench, too often, young soldiers were simply walking into deadly machine-gun fire as this article describes.

“On 24 June 1916 1500 British guns began a week-long bombardment to smash German defences on the Somme before the infantry attacked.  Many of the shells they fired, however, were duds and when the infantry advanced it soon became clear that the artillery bombardment had failed.  German troops emerged and gunned down advancing British infantry, killing 20,000 on 1 July alone.”

20,000 in one day, no wonder soldiers didn’t want to go over the top into a hail of bullets! In the battle of the Somme, the loss was even higher with 60,000 British troops dying in one day.  Several awards are given to those who show exceptional bravery on the battlefield in the face of the enemy.  I just had no idea how many there were   It turns out that being mentioned in dispatches is one of the lowest awards given and at the other end of the scale is the Victoria Cross (VC) which is one of the rarest.  This medal was introduced in January 1856 during the Crimean war and has only been awarded 1358 times. You need to do something pretty spectacular in order to get the VC,

“The VC is awarded for most conspicuous bravery, or some daring or preeminent act of valour or self sacrifice, or extreme devotion to duty in the presence of the enemy.”

That degree of bravery can get you killed. For example, a quarter of all the Victoria crosses given during World War I were posthumously awarded.  Any VCs medals made since 1914 have come from two antique Chinese bronze cannons (captured during Opium Wars in the 1840s). At present, there are only 85 medals left. However, don’t worry, this supply will not run out soon as only 15 VCs have been awarded in the last 76 years. 

The Victoria Cross (VC) is the highest and most prestigious award of the British honours system.  Quite recently one VC has been sold for half a million pounds. So, it is startling to learn that Captain Noel Chavasse won two Victory crosses during World War 1.  This is a unique achievement even among the elite of VC holders.   Even before being awarded his VC he had already been previously mentioned in dispatches and awarded the Military Cross. It is surely worth knowing more about this unusually brave man and just why he received these awards.

He was awarded a VC for his actions on 9 August 1916, at Guillemont, France when he attended to the wounded all day under heavy fire. The full citation was published on 24 October 1916 and reads

"Captain Noel Godfrey Chavasse, M.C., M.B., Royal Army Medical Corps.

For most conspicuous bravery and devotion to duty.

During an attack he tended the wounded in the open all day, under heavy fire, frequently in view of the enemy. During the ensuing night he searched for wounded on the ground in front of the enemy's lines for four hours.

Next day he took one stretcher-bearer to the advanced trenches, and under heavy shell fire carried an urgent case for 500 yards into safety, being wounded in the side by a shell splinter during the journey. The same night he took up a party of twenty volunteers, rescued three wounded men from a shell hole twenty-five yards from the enemy's trench, buried the bodies of two officers, and collected many identity discs, although fired on by bombs and machine guns.

Altogether he saved the lives of some twenty badly wounded men, besides the ordinary cases which passed through his hands. His courage and self-sacrifice, were beyond praise."

 Chavasse's second award was made during the period 31 July to 2 August 1917, at Wieltje, Belgium; the full citation was published on 14 September 1917

"His Majesty the KING has been graciously pleased to approve of the award of a Bar to the Victoria Cross to Capt. Noel Godfrey Chavasse, V.C., M.C., late R.A.M.C.,

For most conspicuous bravery and devotion to duty when in action.

Though severely wounded early in the action whilst carrying a wounded soldier to the Dressing Station, Capt. Chavasse refused to leave his post, and for two days not only continued to perform his duties, but in addition went out repeatedly under heavy fire to search for and attend to the wounded who were lying out.

During these searches, although practically without food during this period, worn with fatigue and faint with his wound, he assisted to carry in a number of badly wounded men, over heavy and difficult ground.

By his extraordinary energy and inspiring example, he was instrumental in rescuing many wounded who would have otherwise undoubtedly succumbed under the bad weather conditions.

This devoted and gallant officer subsequently died of his wounds."

In another version of the same incident, it was recounted that Noel Chavasse received a blow to the head, from an exploding shell, fracturing his skull. He took off his helmet and bandaged his own wound and then carried on working as a medic treating the wounded.  He went on to experience two more head injuries as a result of additional shelling but continued to work arranging for other severely wounded soldiers to be stretchered to safer areas. Meanwhile, he continued to search for wounded soldiers still on the battlefield.  On the 2nd of August 1917 he was injured in the stomach by a Shell blast and died on the 4th of August aged only 32.

He is buried in Belgium in the military cemetery and is the only headstone in the world to have two VCs engraved on it.  

He did not have a promising beginning. Both he and his twin brother were so small and weak at birth that their baptism had to be delayed.  They were very ill with typhoid in their first year of life and as adults were below average height. Noel’s school report of 1897 was not complimentary and refers to him as an ‘Imp of mischief’.  

There were another pair of twins in the family May and Marjorie who were born in 1886 would live for over 100 years old.  Apart from these two sets of twins, there were three other siblings.  When Noel’s father, Francis James Chavasse, was a young man he felt he would never even find a wife because of his hunched back, bad stammer and state of poverty. He went on to marry have seven children and became an eloquent Anglican priest. Later, when the position of Bishop was suggested Francis wrote to a friend doubtfully, "A man with my feeble body, average ability and temperament can hardly be intended by God for such a diocese”.   Despite his own misgivings he was appointed as Bishop and served the community well. The family would start each morning with prayers in the chapel and although a fairly remote father Francis had a clear vision of how a home should shape a child’s character.  He wrote,

“Every moment which tend to make the home more bright, more orderly more clean and more healthy, above all more full of love … helps to ennoble the privilege and dignity of bringing up little children … and is the greatest factor in the formation of the character“

In fact, his wife must have contributed even more greatly to the atmosphere within the home.  It is recorded that,

“The kindness of the whole Chavasse family soon became legendary even among their servants who were taught to read and write by their mother.”

Noel himself described his parent’s home succinctly.

“There was an atmosphere of calmness and integrity in the house, which we took as a matter of course!”

Noel as a teenager provided sporting opportunities, Bible classes and singing lessons for boys in an Industrial School in one of the poorest areas of Liverpool.  Even when he subsequently went to Oxford University to study medicine Noel kept up his connection with the school giving up his vacations to help.  Noel’s attendance at Trinity College Oxford involved mixing almost exclusively with boys of a public school background but he clearly had the capacity to relate to people of quite different backgrounds.  As a qualified doctor, he was travelling in a poor area near the docks and saw a disabled child crawling on the road.  Noel stopped and gave the child his card and arranged for the boy to be treated by him at the Royal Southern Hospital.  After nine operations the boy was able to walk upright and went on to have a full and active life in the Merchant navy.   Both Noel and his twin represented Great Britain in the Olympic Games in the 400 metres.  When one reads of such a wonderful character from such a family the loss of such a life becomes even more painful.  That is what war does it steals from the world often the very best of us.

PS other siblings of Noel,

Aidan Chavasse served in World War 1 and died in Flanders 1917. “His Brigade-Major (Bernard Paget) considered him to be the bravest man in the Brigade due to his willingness to volunteer for dangerous missions. It was during such a mission to inspect German wire near Sanctuary Wood in July 1917 that he was wounded in the thigh. He sent his patrol back to safety and took cover in a shell hole. Subsequent attempts to find him, including three separate attempts by his brother, were unsuccessful and Aidan was never found.”

Chrstopher Chavasse, Noel’s twin became Bishop of Rochester, was awarded OBE and the Military Cross

Francis Chavasse, was awarded the Military Cross, and became an eye specialist

Marjorie and May (Noel’s twin sisters) volunteered at a convalescent hospital for soldiers.  Later May would travel out to France to work at a fully equipped mobile hospital during World War 1 and was mentioned in dispatches.  She qualified as a nurse and also served in WW2 as part of Queen Alexandra’s Imperial Military Service.  Marjorie worked for Barnardo’s for most of her life.

“Regard man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom.”

Baháʼu'lláh

 

Pilgrimage making progress on a spiritual Path

Pilgrims travel for spiritual reasons in a search to find meaning and purpose in their lives and to return spiritually rejuvenated. There are special destinations that by their nature help trigger this transformation.

"Holy places are undoubtedly centres of the outpouring of Divine grace, because on entering … and by observing reverence, both physical and spiritual, one's heart is moved with great tenderness."

Bahá’u’lláh

In order to experience this tenderness, there are things to avoid such as hypocrisy, pride or self-preoccupation.  Using valuable energy hiding the very worst of oneself is a waste of time in these special places. Pretence, prevarication or performance have no place here. True pilgrimage is facing up to what you are, warts and all, and being honest as you walk this path through life. 

The other thing that can distract you from this spiritual journey is focussing on the faults of those around you.  C.S. Lewis in his Screwtape Letters (Letters from a senior devil to a junior devil) gave a wonderful description of how this works as he advises the junior devil to merely focus the attention of a new member of the church’s congregation on those around him and how effective this is at distancing him from his spiritual path.

“When he gets to his pew and looks round him he sees just that selection of his neighbours whom he has hitherto avoided … Provided that any of those neighbours sing out of tune, or have boots that squeak, or double chins, or odd clothes, the patient will quite easily believe that their religion must therefore be somehow ridiculous.”

 C.S. Lewis

Too often the focus strays onto ourselves or others instead of the inspiration we seek.  On this spiritual journey, clarity or insights can suddenly bubble up. During this pilgrimage, you sense that God knows you better than you know yourself. Gradually a new you is uncovered as veils are removed between you and your own heart. You lean into God’s mercy and compassion and solace can come more easily. 

You may cry, beg or bring your deepest wishes. It helps to listen in heart-stopping silences to leave space for the guidance that may come unexpectedly. Leave it safely in His hands. Trust that only He knows the best path for you.  However, be aware, that this spiritual path is often full of a heady mix of emotions and experiences.

"This is the pilgrimage of joy, ecstasies, sorrows, shames, repentances and reformations that storm through one's being."

William Sears 

If the answer to a desire you expressed turns out to be a resounding NO! accept that. Rest your head on this threshold, bring all of you and leave it here. Confident that perhaps not what you want but what you need will follow. You are refreshed by feelings of gratitude for all the bounties that you already have been given in abundance. Thankful for every precious soul you have ever encountered who shared your life and helped you become you. In fact, helping others, especially those suffering or in need is a special kind of pilgrimage of its own.

"Of all pilgrimages the greatest is to relieve the sorrow-laden heart."

‘Abdu’l-Bahá

The hope that faith engenders on pilgrimage springs from the water of life, that potent elixir of transformation. Where there seems only mud, soil and dirt a seed is hidden.  From deep within, a glorious flower springs up in this rejuvenating light, quivering into bloom. Weeping its dew in the early morning sun. Tears are common on this spiritual journey.

We must walk on this path towards the loved One, never despairing how far we have to go but steadfast in our desire to progress out of the darkness into the light. We, the generation of the half-light, need to make that choice and take that step. 

 “… step out of the darkness into the light and onto this far-extended Path of Truth.”

The Báb

PS I find it heartening that C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters were dedicated to his dear friend Tolkien (author of Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit etc).

Changing climate linked to changing partners

There is a recent article in the Scientific American entitled Breaking Up which caused me some concern.  It highlights worrisome unexpected changes that are arising as a result of climate change.  In order to set it in perspective, it helps to understand some background information first.  

In a world where separation and divorce are ever more common it is also interesting to note that marriage itself has experienced a drop in numbers per 1000 people worldwide – see graphic below.  Admittedly this data stops at 2018 and who knows how much a pandemic will have altered the stats, it is a case of watching this space.  However, there are already a few red flags as one leading British law firm, post-Covid, logged a 122% increase in enquiries on divorce from pre-Covid levels in just four months.

Certainly, it seems as if marriage numbers are dropping significantly across most countries.  How about divorce?  Well, the picture (see below) is a bit more varied with divorces per 1000 peaking in the US in 1980 and then falling whilst the other countries seem to show a steady increase in divorces.  Even in countries where divorce is illegal or against religious principles the rate of divorce may be lower but is usually increasing.   

 

Some studies have suggested that divorce levels actually fall during difficult economic conditions, simply because people cannot afford a divorce.  Others have pointed out that additional stress of any kind, can contribute to divorce hence the jump in divorces post-holiday periods when couples are having to spend more time together than normal.  But stress is difficult to ascertain even during a pandemic.  In the US suicide levels from 2000-2018 rose by 30% but actually fell slightly during the pandemic years. However, it is complicated as there is considerable research indicating that past epidemics such as the Spanish Flu and severe acute respiratory syndrome led to increased suicide rates.  Perhaps we are too close to this event to accurately predict outcomes.  Although many, during this pandemic, were stressed about increasing levels of isolation at home there were others who actually relished the absence of bullying and stress in the school or workplace.  It seems trying to understand stress levels via the divorce or suicide rate is too complicated in humans and a different cohort is required for clarity.  

If we examine the animal species only 5% of mammal species are monogamous.  Mammals that buck this trend and mate for life are Oldfield mice, dik-diks, titi monkeys, red and grey foxes, coyotes and grey wolves.  Prairie voles take it to a different level, they split nest building and child-rearing equally with their partner and not only mate for life but even after the death of their life partner 80% never have another.  Mind you how we learned about Praire voles and the strength of their bond with their partner is a depressing business. From this academic paper on Praire voles, it is strangely disturbing to read the following quote,

“Disruption of an established pair bond (between voles) leads to high levels of passive behavior (immobility) in the forced swim and tail suspension tests, a behavioral response reminiscent of grieving and bereavement in humans.”  

To understand this line, you need to know what the forced swim test and tail suspension tests involve. The swim test involves the scoring of active (swimming and climbing) or passive (immobility) behaviour when vole are forced to swim in a cylinder from which there is no escape. 

In the tail suspension test, the vole is hung from a tube by its tail for five minutes approximately 10 cm away from the ground. During this time the animal will try to escape and reach for the ground. 

The time it takes until it remains immobile is measured.  So, to sum up, in order to measure the stress and distress felt by separating a prairie vole from its life partner, it is forced to swim until it gives up and is hung by the tail until it ceases to struggle for release.  The time it takes to give up is a measure of the degree of bereavement at the loss of a life partner.  I don’t know why all this leaves me impressed by voles but totally disappointed by human beings in general.

Strangely 90% of bird species are monogamous and it is largely because their young (like human babies) are tiny, helpless, and immature and require a lot of parental care.  

Exceptionally strong bonds are found in lovebirds, Atlantic puffins, Bald eagles, albatrosses, geese, pigeons, black vultures, and scarlet macaws.  In fact, when the geese’s mate is injured it will guard them protectively until they recover or die.  

The article I referred to in the introduction in this year’s Scientific American was about the black-browed albatross who are socially monogamous as the pair alternate between lengthy foraging trips and egg-incubation duties.  If their breeding is not successful in the course of a year a female albatross will leave and find a different mate.  Such divorces have been noted for some time in the black-browed albatross which breeds on New Island on the Falkland Islands.  There is now 15 years of breeding data available and this has been examined in relation to sea temperatures and wind strength.  High winds allow for a greater distance of foraging while higher sea temperatures lower the nutrients available by reducing phytoplankton and subsequently the marine food web.  Higher sea temperatures have been recently observed to increase stress levels among partnerships and decrease breeding success.  As a result, in the warmer conditions more female albatrosses are leaving their life partners.  The paper proposes an explanation it calls the ‘partner-blaming hypothesis’ which is when the female conflates stress caused by environmental conditions with poor performance by a partner.  I suspect you know where I am going with this.  

If stress can do this to a monogamous albatross population perhaps we should be more concerned about what stress is doing to our community.  Whether stress comes as a result of climate change, a pandemic, or an economically challenging situation there are those out there who are already suffering.  They may be trying to keep afloat in horrific conditions or find themselves suspended in a state of distress. Do what you can for those you encounter. These days are not kind to Prairie voles, albatrosses, or people.  

 “Do not be content with showing friendship in words alone, let your heart burn with loving kindness for all who may cross your path.”

 (Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 15)

 

  

 

Lessons on transformation from those that crawl to those that fly

When we talk of transforming ourselves we can often underestimate the effort and impact such endeavours entail.  In order to understand how much trauma can play a role in such a major alteration, it is worth looking at the animal world for indications of what can be expected.  For some creatures, transformation can be as simple as shedding skin like a snake. While for others it can involve a barbaric total acidic immersion.  There is a lot to learn from these processes as there are parallels to our own process of transformation.

Unlike humans who shed their skin continually, roughly 30, 000 to 40, 000 cells every minute, snakes lose their outer layer in one continuous sheet. This process can happen every few weeks, for young snakes, and only a few times a year or even less for adults.  The signs that shedding is about to happen are

1. Snakes have specially-adapted scales over their eyes called eye caps. Snake’s eyes that are about to shed their skin turn a cloudy bluish colour temporarily (this change arises as a result of a lubricant secreted just under the outer layer of skin). During shedding, even these eye caps usually come off 

2. Their old skin looks dull coloured and their belly may appear pinkish.

3. Habits change, the snake spends more time hiding and its appetite may decrease or it even may stop eating completely. 

4. The snake, whose eyesight during this period is poor, becomes more nervous or defensive.

5. In an effort to get rid of their old skin snakes may look for rough surfaces to rub against or search for water to soak in. 

6. Snakes should not be handled during shedding as this shedding process causes stress.

In preparation for this transformation, snakes change habits, their colour, their habits and their normal nature.  Until it is complete even their eyesight deteriorates. 

So, look out for these signs in your own transformation.  You may not be able to see clearly and feel insecure and slightly defensive. You long for closeness while on the other want to run away.

Perhaps one of the most dramatic and total transformations is that of a humble caterpillar into a glorious butterfly.  The caterpillar hatches from an egg and stuffs itself with leaves until it grows plumper and plumper.  Like the snake as it grows it sheds its skin.  Then, suddenly the caterpillar stops eating and hangs itself from a twig or leaf having spun a silky cocoon around it.  

Inside the cocoon, a bizarre nightmare begins.  The caterpillar releases enzymes that like an acid bath dissolves all of its own tissues.  If you cut into such a cocoon an amorphous gloop would pour out.  However, among this gooey mess, there are survivors of this digestive process, a group of cells known as ‘imaginal discs’. These dormant discs have survived since the caterpillar was developing in its egg and each one will provide ultimately each of the adult body parts it needs as a mature butterfly (one disc for eyes, another for wings, yet another for legs etc). The discs use the protein-rich soup from all the rest of the disintegrated tissues to generate the rapid cell division necessary to make wings, antennae, legs, eyes, genitals etc for the adult butterfly. This magical metamorphosis is at a pace hard to get your brain around. The imaginal disc for a wing can begin with just 50 cells and end up with 50, 000 cells.  

It seems although transformation is incredibly varied there are powerful parallels of the caterpillar’s metamorphosis that mirror our transformation process. It often starts with being broken down into a very basic form by challenges external and internal.  This process is painful and feels that almost everything that is you, experiences slow and almost total destruction. Then, following this an amazing reconstruction begins at an incredible unbelievable pace.  The person you were before crawled leaving slime behind. The transformed you can soar skywards in a blaze of beautiful joyful colour.  

"The most important journey you will take in your life will usually be the one of self transformation. Often, this is the scariest because it requires the greatest changes, in your life.”

Shannon L. Alder

I wouldn’t spit on ye if ye were on fire!

There are expressions that are so colloquial even a person living in the region may not recognise them. It reminds me of my son who had been taken to a small mountain village on the island of Rhodes in Greece and was disturbed to find no one seemed to speak Greek. By now fluent in this language he found it disturbing that he could neither understand anyone nor make them understand him.  A dear friend of mine had taken him with her family to visit this remote village and was unaware of how disturbing Daniel had found each and every interaction. It turned out that particular village had a very heavy accent that even native Greeks would have found hard to follow.  This happens almost everywhere to some degree. Here in Northern Ireland, we have many expressions that are very confusing for outsiders. For example, instead of saying yes, we say aye (pronounced "I").  I remember visiting an elderly uncle, in Craigavon hospital, and having to translate for him for the local nurses who just could not follow his strong border accent.  There are many obscure expressions we use in Northern Ireland that when abroad I must remember not to use to avoid confusion.

Saying                                                         Meaning

What's the craic?                     What is going on?

Houl yer whisht                     Shut up and listen!

Boys a dear                     expression of surprise

My grandfather would greet us with this expression ("Boys a dear"), repeated two or three times when we walked into his home, and the delight in his voice as he said it was the most welcoming sound I can remember as a child.

Jammy sod                             Meaning a person is really lucky

                                                                    (usually resentfully said)

Scundered                                                    feeling disgusted and upset

Will you stop faffin about                     Would you stop messing about!

He seems dead on                     He seems a good person

We'll have a yarn                     We will have a good chat

I wouldn’t spit on ye if ye were on fire     If you were burning I would not waste my spit

                                                                     on you to put it out

I can remember an older guy in the school bus trying to chat up a schoolgirl and she responded with the devastating response “I wouldn’t spit on ye if ye were on fire” 

Would you look at that eejit     Would you look at that fool

It's pure baltic out there              It’s very cold weather out there

I'm foundered out here              I’m freezing out here

my nerves are up to high doh      I am highly stressed

Were you born in a field             Are you an animal that you don’t close doors

I fell in the shuck              I fell into a muddy ditch

I can recall visiting an aunt of mine who continued to herd cattle in the fields into her nineties and would rear grandchildren on her lap sitting beside a black range in the kitchen.  She used a massive coke bottle filled with milk with a huge teat to feed these babies and every year yet another baby seemed to replace the one that had grown.  She did have seven sons and one daughter and lived into her hundredth year.  I once remember her greeting us along the lane with a tiny muddy toddler in her hand saying she had just pulled him from the shuck!

I am absolutely boggin I am completely covered in mud/dirt

Catch yourself on! You cannot be serious!

Fancy a dander? Would you like a walk?

My father always told the story of a lad in his village who took his loved one for a daily dander.  They were engaged after 14 years of such formal walking out and to all accounts had a successful and happy marriage.  Courtship in those days was sometimes slow and steady.

Will ye quit your gurning! Stop complaining or moaning!

You better wind your neck in! I’m warning you to stop speaking like that!

 I'm dying for a poke I’d really like an ice-cream cone

When we visit a seaside town my mother, now in her 89th year, will often announce gleefully, “Shall we have a poke?”

Then, there are the particular expressions that were unique to my family.  My grandfather used these and I thought they were normal expressions everyone knew,

He’s a shit house rat The piggery had huge rats as big as cats and

                                                                were very aggressive so unscrupulous dishonest

                                                                characters that you should not trust were called this

Do you wanna grow a pig’s foot? If you don’t eat this food you will end up

                                                                growing a pig’s foot

As a child, if you were reluctant to clean your plate of food this expression would be whispered in your ear in an ominous tone by my grandfather.  I never understood the connection between not eating and the possibility of this deformity but the threat had its effect and no crumb would be left.  Rather than a long description of how healthy the particular food was this ominous prediction quickly insured no food was ever wasted.

The strange thing is that such different dialects are not only hard to follow but can lead to isolation or misunderstanding.  However, the words we use are just one aspect of trying to communicate. Almost every home has its own subtle peculiar language both in terms of vocabulary used, tone, volume and atmosphere.  Things that appear confusing to others just do not translate.  It is no wonder then that many of us struggle at times to get our message across.  Despite having the same basic language, we sometimes do not recognise the particular dialect being used.  Even when we know the dialect we occasionally don’t understand that family’s conversational norms.  Their sensitivities, their education level, the unseen conflict zones and their history of family communication. There can be no-go areas that can make a minefield into which you can stumble unaware.  This business of relating to others is a journey that real life is made of.  

There will be mistakes and misunderstandings but there is just so much to learn from this game and so much more to be gained than lost.  Everyone we meet is an opportunity that is infinitely precious if we are humble enough to see it that way.  Making communication work with others strengthens both their and our own abilities in many ways.  Having the empathy, sympathy, and insight to realise that it may not always run smoothly ensures we don’t give up at the first obstacle.  Just because we fall at a few fences does not mean we should quit the race.  It just means we may need more practice with a wider range of people over a longer time period.  Sometimes what we cannot understand with our mind, we can grasp with our heart and what we cannot feel with our heart we can sense in our soul.

“The soul has been given its own ears to hear things that the mind does not understand.” 

Rumi