Nitty Gritty
(The Writer’s Group in Ballybuffy community centre meets weekly)
Anne: Well, perhaps we shall begin by reading what you have done this week. I think the task was a monologue. We read a few examples last week. Hamlet’s speech, Brutus’s funeral oratory etc. really moving stuff. Okay, let’s begin with you Alice.
Alice: Okay, I’m not sure if it is what you were after, I was a little confused about the stuff we read last week. To be honest didn’t understand hardly a word.
(Sniggers all around with a tinge of relief, obviously the readings last week had not been appreciated. Coughing to clear her throat Alice begins.)
Often life makes you feel alone and when there is no one about it can be a great relief. I mean it is not ideal but then in life what is ideal? Got to do the best, don’t you. Well, like they used to tell us off about it in school but really I say there is no harm. I mean there are worse things you can do. Look at them folk who mess around with children and all that. Bloody perverts should be locked up. No locking up is too good for them. I’d, I’d boil them in oil, slowly. Probably peel them first too. Anyway, back to the subject. I think it helps tension and stuff like that. There would probably be less rapes if more people did it. To be honest I think there are less people having sex today than they claim and a bit of monologue would ease their sexual feelings and stuff. It’s not something I like to write about and to be honest I was a little shocked being asked to write about it for this week but the way I see it if monologuing helps you cope why not?
(There is stunned silence, as everyone realises Alice has been speaking of masturbation. A few are trying to work out the link and a few more are really worried wondering if what they have written is wrong)
Anne: (Recovering, speaks) Well thank you Alice that was unexpected and very creative. I mean your play on the words monologue and masturbation a really unusual approach. Let’s go on to Sammy.
Sammy: What I say, is why all the long talks. I mean most things can be said quickly, so why not keep it short. Wittering on about stuff just wastes time. Bloody Hamlet, I mean he were a mean bugger weren’t he? Killing all them folk and being bossed by that bit of his. I mean had he no balls? Why didn’t he stand up to her and say, no bloody way! I find that a really useful phrase. Use it a lot with the wife,
(slowly and with emphasis, he repeats)
no bloody way. As for that Brutus, well he was typical wasn’t he. First he is the guy’s friend and then he sticks the knife in. Well there’s a lot of folks like that around here to be honest. Bloody backstabbers everywhere. First, they are your friends and then first chance they get they are around running you down to the social services and all. Well, what I say to the lot of them, keeping it short and sweet, No Bloody way!
Anne: Thanks Sammy you obviously took a lot in last week when we read the monologues and that was honest and to the point. I think we all got your feelings on that loud and clear. Perhaps Susan you could go next?
Susan: Well I love him and that’s all there is to say about it. He is my light and song and every time he enters the room I feel my heart sing.
(A groan from Sammy and a “Bloody hell” in a low tone)
Since the first day we met we’ve been inseparable. He is everything I hoped for. When we are together nothing matters. Our hearts sing together and we are meant for each other. Love is a dove that rises upwards and lifts our souls in delight.
(This time Sammy’s “Bloody hell” is loud and clear. Followed by Alice’s question)
Alice: you writing about sex aren’t you, knew you would. You youngsters have that on the bloody mind. Sex, sex, sex that is all you think about, well, to be honest I’m a bit tired of it. Homos, monos, pervos I mean I am really beginning to think that is all this writer’s group focuses on. Can’t you people think about anything but sex?
Sammy: Bloody hell!
Susan: Just cause you are not getting any!
Anne: Sorry let’s get back to your piece Susan, you have a bit to go and we all want to hear what follows, don’t we?
(Looking hopefully around the group. Susan sniffs loudly and proceeds deliberately reading at Alice and Sammy)
Susan: If I could put into words what he means to me I would use up all the letters and words in every book. If I were writing a love song it would go to the Top of the Pops. If, (Sammy groans) I could sing it, every heart would melt in happiness. (Another louder groan from Sammy). Love is wonderful it carries me on through the factory shift and as long as I have him coming home I’ll tie a yellow ribbon round the oak tree of my heart to welcome him home.
Sammy: No bloody way!
Alice: Need to tie a ribbon round your man’s thing, before he has the other half of the estate!
Susan: You’re not getting any and that’s jealously talking right there, bitch.
Anne: Well, perhaps that’s a good point to move on. Amazing how monologues get things heated up, isn’t it? We can move on to Sarah next.
Sarah: Mine’s very short.
(Gasps of relieve all round the room)
Sammy says: Thanks be to God!
Sarah: It sat alone the log, by itself in the wood. No one to see it, move it or touch it. A lump of wood just there. In the dark and lonely forest, with no one to see or care. A lonely, troubled mono log.
(Everyone is so delighted by its shortness there are claps all around)
Anne: Very clever play on the words, mono log, Sarah.
Sarah: I don’t know what you mean, that was the task wasn’t it? To write about a mono log. A log on its own. To be honest I was a bit puzzled about the rest of you. I looked up mono in the dictionary and it said one. I really feel if you want people to understand the task you need to use simple language. I mean, if Anne had just said write about a log, everyone here would have got it. They wouldn’t have been writing about sex and love and stuff. Perhaps if we have learned anything about this, it is to be clearer.
Sammy: Bloody Hell.
Anne: Well, clarity is important. Perhaps we will leave it there this week. Next week’s task is to write a short poem about flowers.
Sammy: No bloody way!
Alice: I knew it, another piece on love and sex. The world is obsessed with this stuff.
Susan: At last a simple task we can all understand.
Anne: See you all next week!
