The Favourite Daughter!

I cannot remember when it was first said to me exactly, but I can remember the location. My dad and I were driving up to a forest walk near Ringsend high in the mountains with our black Labrador Monty in the back. 

He was singing as he drove and then he turned to me, out of the blue, and informed me that I was his favourite daughter! As a very young primary school pupil, this new status felt epic indeed. It was a title that had never been bestowed upon my other siblings so I felt exceptionally honoured. If my siblings resented my new title they never showed any evidence of this. Perhaps the baby of the family is normally treated with undue deference. They do seem to get away with much more than their older siblings. Parents know that this is their last offspring and generally place fewer demands on them than they did on their older children. 

I did not gloat over my siblings as my father’s favourite daughter. Instead, I held the privilege of that station close to my heart. As a child, there are so many things that hurt you, bullying, failures, slights, being ignored or self-doubt but this unexpected title acted as a mighty shelter to a rather supersensitive and easily bruised child.

It took me far too long to work out what my father’s words actually meant. I was his favourite daughter indeed but I was also his only daughter as I have only brothers.  No wonder my brothers did not resent it, they had worked that all out years ago. It makes me smile now when I remember how much my title of “favourite daughter” meant to me.

I am grateful for so many other things my dad taught me. He stressed the importance of honesty, having integrity, being free of prejudice and the importance of being really curious about everything.  I now devour books and love the sea as he did. I still respect so many of the principles he strove for his entire life.  I loved the way he let me wrestle with him on our landing at home and made me, a small child, believe that I could defeat a 15-stone grown man like him.  Okay, he played tricks too but even that I remember with fondness.  When we walked together to school, I wanted him to hold my hand really tightly and to tease me he would deliberately loosen his hold. In later years when I lived abroad, his weekly faxes were the high point of our family life. That distinctive hum of the fax machine and his handwriting appearance brought all of us together as a family to read his words which were full of good humour and insights. I will remain infinitely grateful that he always held my heart tenderly and lovingly. Perhaps knowing you are loved is the mightiest remedy of all.

Our channels of communication have silted up with debris

My ears went pop and suddenly I could no longer hear, particularly from my left ear. Annoying, irritating but it has happened to most of us at some point. The usual remedy is to put your finger in your ear and give it a good shake. Or put one finger over the front of the ear and press hard to open that blocked inner channel. Pinching your nose while closing your mouth and giving a quick blow through your nose usually works. But for me despite all efforts, this strange deafness continued. 

My ear was obviously full of wax I surmised. And advice online from the Mayo Clinic warned against cotton buds in the ear. Who knew you could pierce the eardrum so easily with such soft things? On the fourth day, I consulted a pharmacist and was given drops for my ear to be inserted every four hours. I did that for two days with no positive outcome. Given the growing deafness in my left ear, I found myself adopting coping strategies. I walked on the left side of friends so that they are on my good side and I can hear them. I began to shout when I talked as if a raised volume in my own speech would help during conversations. 

I found myself strangely perplexed as to where the source of background sounds was coming from. Who knew that it was the stereo signal of two ears that helps you pinpoint where exactly that rumble originates? Without it, I look around bewildered awaiting visual signals to give me clues. Then, there is the noise in the deaf ear. That, I never expected. Instead of silence, at night in bed, the ear had a high-pitched hum with odd crackles randomly thrown in. As if my brain and ear have decided to stop normal communication channels and act like angry adolescents.  With either sullen silences or mumbling incoherence. Conveying no sense but a constant wall of annoyance and sudden unexpected hums of a range of frequencies.  

Finally, in despair, it had been a week, I queued to see a doctor. I sat in a waiting room with no official appointment but was shown in by the receptionist as the waiting room was completely empty. I sat 30 minutes in an empty waiting room hoping the doctor would finish with his client in his consulting room and fit me in as the receptionist had hoped.  After 40 minutes he was still with that same client and there was a surge of new patients into the waiting room. I realised with my heart sinking that my window of opportunity had closed. All these new people had pre-booked appointments while I had none. All of them, despite my 40-minute wait, were ahead of me. I left as deaf as I arrived and no further forward. I would have to endure the situation a little longer. Sleep was much, much harder with this noisy deaf ear. 

In these pandemic days seeing doctors in the UK is like finding the golden fleece. It requires extraordinary endeavours and persistence. Dear help those with serious conditions like cancer who have been left in limbo for too long. Lessons certainly need to be learned about how healthcare must be maintained and nurtured in good times so that in dire times it hits the ground running. Not underfunded and disembowelled from either incompetence from within or targets/changes from above. Too often, nowadays, it seems those put into positions are not there because of abilities but simply because of a lack of choice or who they happen to know. If the pilot of your plane got that position because he was someone’s cousin not because he was the best pilot you’d be outraged. You want the surgeon who operates on you or your loved ones to be of the best quality and a safe pair of hands with experience. Not someone promoted due to lack of other surgeons applying. Even before the pandemic two relatives of mine left their jobs as GPs because they were permitted to only spend on average ten minutes in appointments with each patient (one of the shortest times in the EU). We have to be so careful that we do not lose our best due to bad practice.

A recent study by the British Medical Association (published in May of this year) indicated that thousands of exhausted doctors in the UK are considering leaving the NHS in the coming year, citing excessive levels of stress and burnout due to the demands of the pandemic. The number of mature experienced doctors who are deciding to take early retirement has doubled in the last 12 months.  Professor Martin Marshall, Chair of the Royal College of GPs has indicated the chronic shortage of GPs in the NHS. Worryingly despite this present shortfall family doctors in England are quitting at a rate of three a day.  

As I live in Malta there is a different setup available here.  Each pharmacy usually has an in-house doctor available to see for a reasonable payment.  You do have to book in advance during these Covid days, whereas before you were able to just walk in and see a doctor.  Needless to say, after my experience of waiting in the surgery I made an appointment with the doctor.  He saw me the next day and prescribed ear drops and told me I would have to use them for three days and then come back.  Having already used drops to no avail I was unimpressed. And after three days, during which I became even more deaf I was back in his surgery.  This time the doctor took out a huge syringe that you would use on the rear end of a horse and blasted my ear with warm water while I held a metal kidney-shaped dish beneath my ear.  After three hard blasts, my ear popped open while the most disgusting stuff imaginable poured out into the dish.  The doctor showed me triumphantly the debris he had removed and it was impressive.  No wonder I had been unable to hear!  

I cannot begin to tell you of the relief I felt.  I could hear!  The world opened up to me again and a dreadful oppression of the spirit lifted.  How I sympathise with the hard of hearing now.  Every interaction becomes a source of concern, can one guess what the person is saying?  And even more worrying after three days you just pretend to listen, as if a person is speaking a foreign language you don’t know.  Gradually you withdraw from conversations and sit silent but uncomprehending adrift in a world of the deaf. It feels so good to be hearing again.  Why is it we only appreciate things when we lose them?  I like this quote on hearing loss as it strikes a chord.

“I hadn't really noticed that I had a hearing problem. I just thought most people had given up on speaking clearly.”

Hal Linden

There is I am sure a spiritual metaphor for this experience.  Sometimes we cannot hear the truth because our channels of communication have silted up with debris.  We can accept this new reality and just lower our expectations or we can take action and seek to cleanse the senses of all that has impeded them giving wings to our spirits and hope!

“First in a human being's way of life must be purity, then freshness, cleanliness, and independence of spirit.”

‘Abdu’l-Bahá, 

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly

Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.

Proverbs 4:7 

Wisdom is defined as  “the ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting” whereas understanding is “information gained through experience, reasoning, or acquaintance”.  So knowing what is right or wrong is important but the practical experience of implementing action and reflection on its consequences is also required.

Wisdom without understanding does not suffice.  Honour and progress only occurs when you hold wisdom and understanding within your heart.  So how can we learn wisdom?  Confucius claimed there were three ways to learn wisdom

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”

Confucius

I like the way he tells us the easiest way, is to imitate someone who is wise.  That is easy to relate to.  You get to see an example in front of you and you copy it.  Or with experience you learn through trial and error, which can be very painful and take time. Or as proverbs more eloquently but crudely puts it,

"As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly"

Proverbs 31

Reflection is described as the noblest perhaps because you work it out yourself using your own rational ability.

But real grace and honour will never be dependent on what you acquire but on what service you carry out as a result of this wisdom and understanding. Or in the words of Zoroaster,

“One good deed is worth a thousand prayers.”

Zoroaster

It also brings benefits not just to the recipient as he further explained,

“Doing good for others is not a duty.  It is a joy, for it increases your own health and happiness.”

Zoroaster

In fact he advises,

“Turn not yourself away from three things: good thoughts, good word and good deed.”

Zoroaster

However, attaining these goals is ever dependent on control of oneself and that is no simple matter.  As the Buddha pointed out,

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s mind.  If a man can control his mind he can find the way to enlightenment and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.”

Buddha

The statements from Zoroaster are from around 2000 BC , Proverbs is thought to be made up of some of the writings of Solomon ( 970–931 BC) and even the writings from the Buddha are from approximately 500 BC.  In other words, the path that leads to true understanding and wisdom has been clearly elucidated for several millennium so why are we still struggling?  Well, as luck would have it, Proverbs has an explanation.

“..fools despise wisdom and instruction”

Proverbs 1.7

In other words fools deliberately choose another path. Why would we make this choice to turn from wisdom and ignore guidance that could help? Again, a proverb even suggests an underlying cause for these bad choices.

“The complacency of fools is their undoing.”

Proverbs 1:32

So it seems a strange lethargy and carelessness leads to loss on many fronts.  Personal loss is just one aspect but there are larger considerations too.  The community does not flourish and develop as it should and the fruits of such wisdom is lost to humanity.

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

James 31.17

Without wisdom and understanding those longed for fruits slip through our fingers.  We have ever been urged to acquire knowledge. 

“My Lord, increase me in knowledge”

Quran 20:14

To desire knowledge means humility is required not the fool’s complacency. The fool’s pride allows him to assume he knows it all.  That’s why guidance is despised.  How do you fill a full cup?  Submissive humility requires we put aside the insistent self and make room for wisdom and understanding.  It demands recognition of our essential poverty.

“The essence of understanding is to testify to one’s poverty, and submit to the Will of the Lord”

Bahá'u'lláh

It should not surprise us that the enlightened have ever pointed out the importance of wisdom and understanding.  Urging us to choose the path towards truth and not falsehood over the millennia.  It has never been easy but it has always been emphasised by those who knew the needs of their time.  We should recognise the truth because it has ever been so. 

“This is the changeless Faith of God, eternal in the past, eternal in the future.”

Bahá'u'lláh

“The All-Knowing Physician hath His finger on the pulse of mankind. He perceiveth the disease, and prescribeth, in His unerring wisdom, the remedy. “

Bahá'u'lláh

Through thousands and thousands of years the guidance and remedy has consistently been given.  Do we choose complacency or search out truth because a world without wisdom and knowledge is an unworthy choice even for fools.